I'd Like World Peace and a Cheeseburger, Please

Oops He did it again

2009-07-07T09:53:00.003-05:00

It was fun while it lasted. The whole "let's not feel like we want to jump out a window and end it all".....I was just starting to feel good. Human. Real. And he did it again.

I went to see the nurse. Nurse practioner she was. A real work of art. Jill, dear, I didn't go to school to do your job. But um, taking a call (cell) while you are talking to a woman whose hand you refuse to shake because you are afraid of the swine flu--it just doesn't look good. Filing your nails while asking me about my dead baby brothers--bad form.

Where the hell do I find these people???

And, no, I really had no intention of going back to her, but still....paying the bill would be nice. The option of going back would be nice. Instead, I have a half used prescription for prozac. Half used because I was feeling better and I knew this was going to happen so I figured I'd save the other half for when I was feeling worse. And yes, I know it doesn't work that way, but I start feeling better within a week and a half, so, I'll be able to buy some time before I get to my doctor and beg him to give me a script.

I'm done with therapy. I just can't seem to find a therapist who isn't crazier than I am. The last one I had was a real loon, she was way way out there, saying stuff I feel was way inappropriate. Like mentioning I talk a lot. Jeez, Louise, this is therapy, I'm supposed to talk.

I actually had a therapist who I really liked.....and yes, Paul stopped paying her. I think we owe her $35.00.

I think I'm just gonna give up. Happiness is for the weak.

Oh Hell, I Dunno!!! I'll Call This Mom Behaving Badly

2009-04-25T21:10:00.003-05:00

There's a lot of stuff going on with us now. And if you've been reading this blog for any amount of time, you've long figured out that I'm not the most prolific writer you've ever read. And if I am, exactly what the hell are you reading???

So, because it has been so long since I've written on a regular basis, and because I can't for the life of me ever seem to get the whole bulletpoint thing to look like I was not impared when setting it up, I'll just spew forth what's been going on. In other words, the shit which is my life....

I called a shrink. Couldn't get me in anytime this century, but he does have a nurse who would be willing to talk to me, if that would be ok. I felt bad for his receptionist. I think she was trying to feel me out and didn't know what to think. Really.....I sound normal and all. Am not suicidal. (do I feel like I'd just like to go and curl up and die??? Sure. Would I actually do it?? Nope. I'm too Catholic to risk eternal hell) If that sounds insensitive, I'm sorry. Since I don't know everything about the universe and haven't actually had a back and forth conversation with God, I don't know whether or not He'd actually doom anyone to eternal Hell, I just don't want to take a chance. Sooooo....back on track, Sheri. She asked me if I would mind taking to a man, or a woman and all that jazz. I finally told her, that I don't care. I've pretty much put my life out there and I have a big friggin mouth. If it means I can get some prozac and feel normal again, I'll talk to her if she'd like. Monday is the day. The nurse's name is Jill. Pray for her.

I went to Quinn's annual case review-aka-case conference. This one was a biggie. We were discussing his test results and what steps, if any, were going to be taken to help him with kindergarten. The test results should have gotten to me a full week before the conference, and I didn't get them. Why?? The psychologist and teacher had not finished typing them up. Then, when I requested them, I was told that it was my fault for not requesting them early. uuummm...no. They are supposed to send them early and if I want the results explained to me, then I have to request a meeting with the psychologist who will have to meet with me a week before the conference to explain how all the testing is done and the results. Which is a waste of time, because she will not comment how these tests will affect (or it is effect??) placement.... a just-the-facts meeting. And my mind tends to wander...wander straight to the tragedy.

Which brings us to a couple of days before the conference...I finally got the results in my hot fat hands, and read them. It seemed like the only thing that was being proposed was that he continue speech. Oh Jeebus....not good. Not good at all. A month earlier, Quinn's best friend had been just offered speech. That child was on the spectrum and all that jazz. Now this is happening to Quinn. I was pissed. And that never ends well. I called his teacher, yelled at her. Didn't allow him to go to school.....While his preschool teacher tried to calm me down, (and by this point, there was no calming me down) I called the school psychologist a c*nt (insert your vowel of choice). And then I took my fight to Facebook. And called our district's special ed cooperative every name in the book.

Yep, I sucked. By the time Paul got home, I was fairly hysterical. And of course, he got mad. From there we came up with a plan. We were going to the case conference and going to agree with everything. And then tell the principal I would no longer like to be subjected to daily calls from his kindergarten teacher....if there was a problem, she could call his school psychologist since, obviously, the psychologist knew him so much better than I did. Our prediction was he was probably going to flunk kindergarten or at best have an awful year, and after kindergarten, I'd homeschool him. Yeah, because if you have been reading, I'm a tower of strength and patience with Quinn.

Another day passed and I started thinking and researching homeschooling, and yep, I could do it. But maybe I should just go in and hear them out. I was still mad, and had even went through with calling his grade school and asking to take him out of the lottery for full day kindergarten.

Paul also had been thinking and finding out he couldn't go because work wouldn't allow him time off. But he wanted me to fight. And I do know my shit when it comes to the special education laws. So off to mom and dad's to print out a letter saying I did not agree with testing and I wanted it re-done at public expense. I made 2 phone calls to a state agency just to make sure I was doing the right stuff in the right order. And these people are great for helping. Then I went through my newest copy of the laws pertaining to special education, and highlighted what I thought would help me with Quinn. And then I read the notebook just to make sure there wasn't something I needed to mark in it to make a point.

Each one of my kids has his own notebook. Whenever I call the school for any reason, or they call me, I mark down who called, when and why....even if I call and leave a message for someone, I write it down. I've had to use it a number of times for Nate and Matt. Because someone always claims they didn't get a message....or that wasn't said. or maybe they didn't recall saying something. Those notebooks are my official "cover-your-ass" lifesavers.

Once again, I digress.....so, I'm battle ready. His teacher knows I'm pissed. I make as little eye contact as possible with them except Quinn's future principal. I like her. The meeting starts. And the psychologist starts to explain all the tests to me. Exactly how they are done--what the average scores are....how Quinn did. This was really a first for me, she had never really done that before, even when a meeting was requested beforehand, another psychologist showed--one that had not tested my child and didn't want to say anything about what was average and how it was used to figure into the big picture.

From there, I asked all my questions. Why were they kicking him out?? What would we do if he needed more help?? I expressed my fears. I felt pretty good about where Nate was when he entered kindergarten....with Quinn, not so much. I worried about the impulsivity, the hyperactiveness. I mentioned our home visit with his preschool teacher and she admitted that Quinn was extremely hyper at home. She did admit he was not the angel that was portrayed in the tests, but he was not as crazy as he was at home. Just hearing that made me feel better, I was starting to worry that I was the only one seeing my child acting like a tornado.

The case conference committee decided that he needed to finish out the year in preschool. And it was strongly suggested that Quinn go to his doctor for ADHD testing. Since he is receiving speech services, he will continue to stay in special education, he just wouldn't be receiving services....and should he need more services, he will get them without having to retest and go through hoops like we did with Nate.

His principal kept on saying "you know when he has Mrs. A, she'll take care of him. She fought for Matt didn't she??" Well, yes, but I withdrew him from consideration for all day kindergarten. And would that be in his best interest??? And the biggie, would he even get all day kindergarten since we work on a lottery system. First, they fill spaces allotted to children at their home school. Then if there are extra spaces at another school, a child can go to that school even if it isn't considered his/her home school. Quinn might not get picked at all or he might have to go to another grade school for kindergarten (Nate did this). The principal told me "he's staying with us. He'll have Mrs. A. " She went on to explain that she wanted to make sure she was there to oversee what was going on, and she couldn't do that unless she made sure he was at her school.

I figured out I've been to 30 case conferences between the three boys. None of them, until now, have been positive and caring and not a mom vs school. This is what the system should be....and it isn't because Quinn is going to full day kindergarten, but it is because they figured it out. They actually give a damn. They listened to me and they want to do what is right for Quinn.

I can't believe it.

So, Chris, forgive me. School psychologist, I'm sorry for calling you a God-awful name I don't use lightly. And Mrs. A......the kindergarten teacher who will be teaching Quinn next year, I'll be praying for you...

And to Nate and soon, Quinn's principal, thank you for caring about my boys, for seeing them as the unique and loving children they are....for wanting to make sure they get the best possible education you can offer to them. And for making my life a little easier by allowing me to not be so angry at a system that I was sure was going to fail my kids.

I'm emotionally spent for now, and it is getting late, so next time, I'll let you know how the shrink visit went, and talk about T-ball with a 5 and 6 year-old.

Have a great day, Internet people.

Knock knock--Anyone home???

2009-04-15T12:39:00.003-05:00

Honey, I'm home!!! Actually, I haven't left. i just haven't had much to say.....on my blog. Anyone who might have friended me on Facebook knows I can't shut up.

Not that I* haven't thought about blogging, mind you. Because I do. Everyday. And I read blogs everyday. I just haven't commented a lot. And I know why....

I'm depressed. Again. Not that it ever really goes away. And I can't seem to figure out why. Other than reading that two blogger's babies have died within a week, and if that isn't depressing, I sure don't know what is.

I haven't blogged since Feb. 23....two days before I turned 41. My birthday was just another day. I was sick with the "cough till you pee your pants" bug. My friend, Lisa, took me out to lunch the weekend following my birthday, Paul took me to dinner. Cute presents. Cake with the kids.....not a bad time, as long as I wasn't peeing myself because of coughing.

All three boys are doing ok. Paul is fine. Our marriage is good, I'd say.

But really, I can't stand feeling like this. Why don't you do something about it you say?? Well, in a nutshell, I've been on medication before. And I do well on it....great in fact. Not answering your question you say??? OK.....my husband is a great guy, but he sucks big time in paying his bills. We don't do credit cards because of this....and it seems like when I start feeling better, and the doctor's statement comes in the mail, he doesn't pay it. And I start not feeling so great, because you know, doctors don't work for free. So, even though we have insurance, and even though we can afford for me to go to the doctor, I don't go because I don't want to feel great and then go right downhill because my husband "forgets" to pay my medical bill.

Why don't I pay the bill??? I'd love to, but um, I don't have my own money. I know this is making him sound like an idiot, which he is not, but it is the truth. I get money for household stuff, clothes shopping and the like, but on the whole, he handles everything else (and he sucks at it).

So, a few days ago, I finally looked at him and said, "I am having a hard time dealing now. It isn't you or anything you have done. I feel like I'm not here. I feel lonely. I hurt all the time and there are times I wish I were dead. I'm tired of feeling like this, but I'm more afraid of getting help and then bam....nothing because you won't pay for it. Please help me." The look on his face said it all. He called his insurance, got the name of the doctors that our insurance covers and told me to pick one. Right now, I'm waiting for a return call.

Hopefully, I'll get in to see someone soon, I'll do the talk therapy/prozac thing and soon enough, I'll feel human again.

Sickety Sick Sick

2009-02-23T11:03:00.003-06:00

That would be the word here. Paul and Matt are the only ones who aren't sick--yet.

Nate is running a fever and is on antibiotics for a sinus infection. Quinn has the cold stuff: runny nose, dry cough etc. He's a little peeved because Nate got to go to the doctor, but he didn't go. Yep, my kids love our doctor. He's in his 50's and is very nice.

I'm just sick enough for things to be annoying. The cough and the drippy nose. I've been sicker. Hopefully, I'll feel better soon. But it is a great excuse for hot tea and sitting on my ass.

The boys were arguing over which movie to watch. Nate wanted "The Land Before Time" and Quinn wanted some Power Rangers thing. I've been getting tired of being a ref so I told them if they couldn't figure it out on their own, I'd pick a movie and then they could work it out. And we'd watch the movies I want to watch until they agreed. We are on our second Disney Sing-a-Long video. I think they gave up.

Oh, well, I'm off to watch classic Disney stuff. Have a great day, internet.

Two Steps Forward and Two Steps Back

2009-02-18T08:40:00.002-06:00

Here in Hoosier Hell, there are several different types of diplomas when one graduates from high school: core 40, technology, honors, and if one cannot complete one of those, there's the certificate of completion. A certificate of completion isn't really worth the paper it is written on, but it is an option.

It was Matt's option.

You see, to get an actual diploma, you have to pass the ISTEP and another test. If you can't pass the ISTEP, you can still get a diploma BUT you have to do the following--take the test each time it is offered, go to the special classes they offer on taking the test each time you fail, maintain a C average, not miss more than 7 days of school, and finally, if you do all this and you can get an English and Math teacher to sign a paper saying the student is freshman proficient in those subjects AND then have the principal sign off--you can get a diploma.

Matt was on the diploma track his freshman year. I wanted him to get the diploma. Our case conferences for him were hell. There were a ton of them too. The regular ed teachers were not in the least bit interested in federal laws and what they had to do. The special ed teachers just wanted me to go away. These people broke no fewer than 6 laws during the first 8 weeks of school. I called the state's department of education and they begged me to file a complaint. The only problem was, if I had filed the complaint, our school system would have lost funding for special education. So, I would have gotten my point across, but shot my kid and every other special needs kid in the foot in the process.

Halfway through his freshman year, I did something I had never done in the past. I gave up. It was all too much. Matt either couldn't or didn't want to do the hours and hours of homework. The meetings were just nasty. His teachers were practically daring me to turn them in. And I just didn't have any fight in me anymore. I had a two year old and a one year old at home. And they had issues too.

When I signed papers allowing Matt to be on the certificate track, I was told it would be for "the best" because he would qualify for all kinds of help after graduation. He would get job training, and even social help via a "waiver" program run by our state. They guaranteed it.

Matt had a great time in high school. He made the honor roll. He ran track and cross country. He went to all the dances. He was the man. Everyone knew him, and they liked him.

Then he graduated. And got a job--at Dairy Queen. The job was only for a few hours a week but he had a job coach and was happy. The Dairy Queen he worked at closes for three months during the winter, so he was laid off.

His job coach told me the state pays for her services for 90 days and that we needed to apply for the waiver. So, we did. That was a joke. The caseworker asked me questions about what he can and cannot do. And he had to read a short story. At the end of the story he had to answer questions......and here's where things get wierd. Matt can read at a 4-5th grade level but his comprehension level is closer to 2nd grade. He read the article, but couldn't figure out how to answer the questions, so the woman who was testing him showed him the answers and had him read them.....and counted them as correct.

He was declined services because he passed these "tests". Well, duuuuhhh.... I could pass an advanced algebra test if someone gave me the answers--and I don't know advanced algebra.

I was so pissed I could have screamed. And there's no recourse. We found out on December 23, and sent the papers back requesting mediation. I was told that they haven't received them and since they had not received them within the 15 days, there will be no mediation.

I was mad, didn't know what to do and finally called a school board member. She called the head of our cooperative and that person called me back. Matt was eligible to go back to high school until he turns 21.

He wasn't happy with this at first, but has come around. He is there from 10-1 and eats lunch at school.

Hopefully, something good will come of all this. I can't find anything yet, but I'm not giving up hope.

My Life is sooo Bulletworthy!!!

2009-02-16T15:32:00.003-06:00

I'm around. I'm here. But I seriously doubt anyone is interested in what little is happening in my life.....then there was Valentine's Day, which I would have written about, but really, are you interested in knowing about my love life??? Probably not. What I'm trying to say is that nothing really postworthy is happening now, but lots of little stuff is, so it's bullet time.

I got a great report about Nate. His teacher is really impressed with his effort in class. This is such a refreshing change from her usual "I'm not sure if his meds are working" call.
Matt is back in high school. He is taking a job class and a math class. He needs the socialization.
The great abyss is getting close to being completely gutted. Lots of crap has been thrown away. I thought it would take a week or so, but I was so wrong. We are close to filling our storage unit. After we get done moving the rest of our stuff, we are going to start tearing down walls. Fun!!!
Had a case conference for Quinn. I don't know why they bothered since I will have to go back within the next two weeks to find out his test results. The speech therapist told me she was not ready to release him yet, so it looks like he will remain at his local preschool.
Paul and I went "away" for Valentine's Day. We left the boys with my parents. We found out the hard way, it isn't worth it. Really. One day, they'll be gone and we will have our time. My dad called them little spoiled brats, because they didn't want to watch tv for 6 hours at a time. I'm not putting my kids through this again.

Facebook Addiction and Being Alone

2009-02-07T09:38:00.002-06:00

Matt is 19. Matt is technically saavy. Matt has been trying to get me to do Facebook for probably the past two years. Within the past month or so, I finally did it, and I'm friggin addicted. Love.the.Facebook. I've either found or been found by people I haven't talked to in years. And it is nice. I've heard of people who don't like Facebook, but they probably get out a lot and all that. I'm fairly homebodyish, so when I get a chance to interact with actual grown adults, I'm so there.

Paul has taken the boys for a haircut. And I'm alone in the house. Not used to being by myself. When the two youngest are in school, Matt is around. He's gone and then Quinn is home. I haven't had the whole house to myself in -- seemingly forever. It's wierd. Quiet.

If Quinn gets into full day kindergarten next year, I'll have a lot of this.

I'll probably just Facebook.

The Ultimate Loss

2009-02-03T10:37:00.006-06:00

This is going to sound strange, but if it does, then so be it. Nate had a twin. I probably wouldn't have even found out if I didn't have to have an IUI to get pregnant. My neighbor told me that finding out so soon is crazy, due to the fact that most people wouldn't even know and then they'd have a period and so what??? But if you know you are pregnant, then that period takes on so much more meaning. And who needs all that loss?? That isn't the strange part, I just don't think about it most of the time. I just never really considered losing him/her as a "loss." Hell, we had waited for 8 years to have a baby. I was thrilled to have one healthy baby.

I didn't gain much weight, but I'm short--like barely 5 feet tall short, so I looked like I was going to explode any moment. I got the "jeez, are you havin twins or something??" When hearing that got old, I got snarky, as most hormonally pregnant fat women would. I'd tell them that I was supposed to have twins but lost one in the first trimester. That would shut them up fast. God, am I a bitch or what??? (Don't answer that--it is a rhetorical question!)

I was forced to think about Nate's twin at his delivery though. One baby--two sacks. Nothing like being in pain and then being reminded of what could have been. But I have one healthy happy kid. Nate's a handful. And two of him?? Wow.

Well, since I used to like to remind myself that I was a loser (in my mind) because I couldn't have children, I went to Babies R Us at least once a month. I knew how I would have decorated the nursery and colors and everything. You know, if I wasn't an infertile loser.

When we found out that I was pregnant, I tried to find someone to paint a mural in the room. I couldn't find anyone who would even think of doing it for less than $2000, and we didn't have that kind of money--for nursery decorations. So I called the high school, hoping I'd find an artist type. I met Shannon's mom that day. She gave me her daughter's number and I called her. We clicked. Shannon is about 10 years younger than me, and she wanted to have children at that time. She did an awesome job in the room. It is beautiful.

Shannon is one of those people you think have it all. Her husband is a great guy. She has a great job, terrific family, a lovely house--everything but the one thing she really really wants--a baby. In the 3-4 months it took to finish the nursery, Shannon had 2 miscarriages. She had 2 before I met her. No one knew why. When it was discovered that she had a clotting disorder, she found out that she couldn't just take a Tylenol as any other woman with the same condition would. She is allergic to Tylenol. Three years ago, she finally got pregnant. IVF 3 eggs transferred because her doctor (my former) didn't think there was even a chance all three would make it since this was her 3rd attempt. They did. All three.

They were thrilled. And I was thrilled for them. She called me to ask about who I went to for an OB/GYN and went to him. My doctor is extremely well-known in this area. He specializes in high-risk pregnancies. I told her exactly what the nurse who recommended him to me said, "women come to him after multiple miscarriages, and they go home with a live baby."

I think everyone who knew her sat on pins and needles for most of the pregnancy. I waited for her to let me know that everything was going to be ok. They didn't buy a thing until she was 20 weeks along. She found out then, she was having 3 boys. It was great!! She was doing great. Things were good. Paul and I went to the local baby boutique-type store where everyone in Highland and the surrounding buys baby clothes. Paul's mom and my mom got our clothes there. We got her 3 newborn outfits...similar yet just slightly different. When I gave them to her, she cried. I knew she couldn't believe it. It was almost too good to be true.

Three days later we found out she had the first baby and he was stillborn. Dr. O did everything he could by giving her the lung-maturing steroid shots and the like, but she got an infection and had the other two-two days later. They were alive, but (and this drives me crazy) hospital personnel decided they were too immature to make it. The hospital people told her if they were born a week later--one.fucking.week. They were breathing. These wonderful kind people--these two terrific human beings got to hold their babies until they both died. And that took hours.

This was about the time a woman in Florida gave birth and lied about how far along she was so the doctors would save her baby. They did. This woman was 3 weeks earlier than Shannon. I know I'm not a doctor, but why not try??? Really??? This was a Catholic hospital.

Paul and I went to the wake and funeral. Shannon was really strong. Her husband wrote the most beautiful poem to his sons.

Paul threw me a birthday party that year--two weeks after their boys died. Shannon and her husband came.

Here's where you will think I'm a complete ass. I don't know what to say to her. I mean, it sucks. It isn't fair. Here is this wonderful woman and her really awesome husband. You couldn't ask for better people. And she can't get pregnant, and she had these babies....

What do you say??? The couple of times I have seen her since, I just stand there and cry like an idiot and she ends up comforting me. Ummm isn't this supposed to be the other way around?

I have been to the cemetery to visit the boy's grave. I want to bring something, but I don't know if that would be overstepping. I try to put myself in her place and think, "now what would I want..." I know I'd like to know my children meant something to someone besides just me and Paul, and those three lil guys do mean something to me. So I go to the cemetery.

Other than that, I'm an idiot.

The second anniversary of the boy's deaths is coming up soon. The first boy died on Feb. 12--the other two died on Valentine's Day. Should I send her a card??? Apologize for not knowing what to say??? What???? Help!!!

Interviewing Kirsty

2009-02-01T09:06:00.006-06:00

The lovely Kirsty took me up on my offer to interview her. The interview and her answers are on her blog Magic27. She lives in France y'all. So when you go there, you not only get to read her blog, but you can learn some French too. (Her blog is written in English with dates and stuff in French.)

So, go over there, and get yourself an edumacation......and add her to your lists.

Three Degrees of Separation

2009-01-28T09:37:00.008-06:00

I've never been memed. Until yesterday, I didn't even know what a meme was. My friend in the computer, Candy, told me it was like a little bit of linky love. And God knows we all could use some linky love. Candy has an awesome blog. So awesome that I spent 3 days reading all of her archives. Am.not.a.stalker. Seriously. Sooo, she stole this meme from someone else, and now I'm stealing it from her. Three degrees of separation. Or would that just be two??? Gah!!!

MOUTHOLOGY
1. What is your salad dressing of choice? Creamy Garlic and French
2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? Giovannis in Munster, Indiana-awesome Italian
3. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant? 20% or more depending on service
4. What food could you eat every day and not get sick of it? Fresh mozzerella cheese
5. What are your pizza toppings of choice? Extra cheese and sausage
6. What do you like to put on your toast? Butter. Butter and jelly

TECHNOLOGY
1. Number of contacts in your cell phone? OK, I can't figure out how to program my phone, so Matt put his number in, but that's it so one. I totally suck.
2. Number of contacts in your email address book? Oh good lord. I have no idea.
3. What is your wallpaper on your computer? some kind of sunset. Cuz I suck.
4. How many televisions are in your house? 3-but one is only for games
5. Do you use a laptop or desktop? Desktop.

BIOLOGY
1. Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right
2. Do you like your smile? No. I used to but now I have one tooth in front that is out of whack.
3. Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Yes, three children and three teeth.
4. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest? Hearing.
5. When was the last time you had a cavity? Now.
6. What is the heaviest item you lifted last? I picked up Nate just to prove I still could. He weighs 62 pounds. And in 1993, I picked up a 120 lb table and dropped it in the middle of my foot, breaking the foot in 3 places. I rock!!!
7. Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Knocked out? No, passed out from drinking an entire bottle of vodka in college. Never.ever.again.

BULLCRAPOLOGY
1. If you could, would you wanna know the day you were going to die? I think so. Unfinished business, that kinda shit. And if I'm gonna die, (ok yeah, when I do die, and if I knew), I want some dramatic crying and all.
2. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to? I like the name Lauren.
3. What color do you think looks best on you? Red and blue
4. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake? What kind of question is that? Yes, I’m sure I have. Assorted bugs. And other things I’d rather not cop to. (exact same answer as Candy)
5. Have you ever saved someone’s life? Nope. I don’t recommend trying to die in front of me. EVER!!! Just don't ok???
6. Has someone ever saved yours? not that I'm aware of.

DAREOLOGY
1. Would you walk naked down a public street for $100,000? No. Up the offer and I'd consider it, somewhere where I will never ever have to go again.
2. Would you cut off one of your little fingers for $200,000? No.
3. Would you never blog again for $50,000? Yes, and I'll accept cash, ok.
4. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000? I wouldn't put anyone through that torture....I don't like to see me naked, why would anyone else??? My dh-he's just horny. TMI I know...sorry.
5. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000? Up that by at least one zero and we'll talk.
6. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000? Nope.

DUMBOLOGY
1. What is in your left pocket? a penny
2. Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie? I dunno, I'll have to ask my son.
3. Do you sit or stand in the shower? I stand
4. Could you live with roommates? Probably
5. How many pairs of flip flops do you own? now, only one, probably more this summer.
6. Last time you had a run-in with the cops? A run-in? ummm. 2 summers ago, there were neighbor issues here, and it seemed like the police were here like every other day. Thank God we weren't involved, but the people who were part of the problem have moved and the other half of the problem are looking for other people to pick on, and they have called Matt a retard, so maybe again soon than I might know.
7. What do you want to be when you grow up? Rich. And not fat.

LASTOLOGY
1. Last person you talked to on the phone? My dad. Begging him to take Nate to school.
2. Person you hugged? Nate

FAVORITOLOGY
1. Number? 3
2. Color? Bright pink and red
3. Season? Spring

CURRENTOLOGY
1. Missing someone? Yeah. Paul is working long hours now.
2. Mood? tired
3. Listening to? talk radio....890 AM WLS
4. Watching? The cursor and the valentines clingy things in my kitchen window.
5. Worrying about? Everything. Money. Disney trip. The boys case conferences. Quinn and if he has aspergers and ADHD too, Matt and his ability to handle life...my health if I don't lose weight....the list goes on and on and on...I'm a worrier. It is a talent and one of the few things I excel at.

RANDOMOLOGY
1. First place you went this morning? To turn off the alarm. I put it across the room so I'll actually have to move to turn it off, or I'd go back to sleep. Then to the coffeemaker.
2. What can you not wait to do? Go to Disney World in December.
3. What’s the last movie you saw? In the movies or on TV? Movie-Bride Wars, don't be too impressed because the last movie I saw in a theatre was like Cars or something. On tv...ummm, the Incredibles
4. Do you smile often? I try.
5. Are you a friendly person? Once again, I try. Unless it is just before Aunt Flo shows up, then I'm a bitch. Sometimes I come off as being shy, but then I really get to talking and watch out....but I try to be nice as often as possible.
6. Now that the survey’s done what are you going to do? Drink some more liquid crack, pee and play with my kids Webkinz.

Candy said....
I’m not tagging anyone, because I stole it. Somehow I don’t think it counts if it’s stolen. But let me know if you decide to do it so I can come read yours.

But I want to tag people.....Kim, Kristin, Kristen you have been tagged. And you too Jen, I don't know if you do these things, but what the hell, you have been tagged.

Questions from Kim

2009-01-27T10:41:00.007-06:00

I get asked questions all the time: Mommy, can I have some milk??? Why can't I stick a knex up Nate's nose??? Is that dinosaur puking??? Why didn't God give you a penis too?? Can I have 75 bucks for an Abercrombie sweatshirt?? You get the picture. So when Kim from Parachuting Without a Net wanted volunteers to interview, I raised my hand, because I figured the interview was free and wouldn't involve any heavy lifting on my part. And she's really cool.

What campaign promise of Obama's do you hope to see come true?

Hmmm...during his inaugural speech he talked about making government work for people. Adding to programs that worked and getting rid of those that don't. I'd really like to see that happen. My oldest son, Matt is autistic, and let me tell you, figuring out how to get the help he needs in order to become a productive member of society is hard. I don't understand why they can't give straight answers and more help (not money, but help as to where to go and what I'll need when I get there).

What are the best and worst things about your town?

I've lived here all my life and I love where I live. The best thing here is probably the park department and all their programs. There is a Halloween party, 4th of July kiddie parade, a few festivals during the year etc. I also really love my neighborhood. Our house is very modest, but the location rocks. We live within walking distance of two parks, a 4-town bike/walking trail, downtown shops, and a small grocery store. We are three houses off the main street which means all we have to do is take our chairs to the corner and sit down to watch all of our town's parades.

The worst thing--that's going to take some thinking.....I do see the town changing a bit. A bit more crime than when I was little. And then there's the flooding problem. We live off the Little Calumet River. The Army Corps of Engineers are trying to fix some of the water issues along with our town council, but we have had two major flooding incidents in two years. Luckily, our family isn't in the flooded area, but we have gotten water both times. Not fun.

What is your favorite possession and why?

Can I name more than one? I have a teddy bear that I've had since I was a baby. My grandmother's cedar chest--built by my Uncle in the 50's, and my other grandmother's blue dishes. I'm really sentimental aka a packrat, so the stuff that means the most to me are things that belonged to members of my family.

If you could interview one person, living or dead, who would it be and what is the number one question you would ask?

I once again have more than one. I'm sure my answers will prove just what a deep-thinking individual I am. Living: Brady Quinn. Why?? We named our son, Quinn after him, and after 3 letters requesting autographs from him I've gotten no response. So, after thrusting Quinn's baby book and a pen in his lap, I'd ask him to sign the book and then probably ask if he even got my letter. And then ask him if he has ever thought about playing for the Bears? God knows we need a quarterback. Dead: Cary Grant. I don't even know if I would even be able to open my mouth. I'd probably just stare at him--and drool. If I were able to utter a word, I'd ask some stupid question like who was the great love of his life. But I'd pretty much just want to stare.

What is the stupidest question a professional journalist would ask during an interview?

I love when sports guys ask the losing team's coach how they feel. Duh!!!

I'm assuming that I am supposed to ask someone out there if they want to be interviewed. Well do you?? Let me know in the comments and leave your e-mail. Or e-mail me at minniemama68@hotmail.com. And I'll ask you a bunch of questions.

Dear Mr. President

2009-01-23T11:34:00.002-06:00

I've been hearing about how this White House is going to be more open to regular citizens. So, I decided to test the system today.

I never bothered to look at www.whitehouse.gov before. Never really had a reason to, and truthfully, I never really thought about it.

Matt voted in his first presidential election. Our family is one that votes. I firmly believe that voting is a privilege, one that should be taken very seriously. And if you don't vote, you get what you get, and bitching about who won or what they are doing isn't allowed. You want a say, you get your sorry ass out and do what you need to do. Absentee voting is an option. I'm stepping off my soapbox now.

So, Matt voted. And he knew exactly who he wanted to vote for. President Obama. Matt LOVES our president.

I'm glad that he knows what he wants and has an opinion. That's a good thing. But now more about the test. I wrote the White House and asked them for an autographed picture for Matt.

To completely understand why I did this, you need some information. When Matt was in second grade, Bill Clinton was our president. Yes, I voted for him. Matt's class wrote President Clinton a letter. The letters were put in ONE envelope and were sent to White House. Each and every child in Matt's class received an autographed picture of the President--EXCEPT Matt. Every.kid. Matt got a letter saying that the President was a busy man and can't honor his request at this time. WTF?????

I helped out in his class the day the letters went out. Matt needed a lot of help with his letter, but it looked just like the rest of them. The message was clear and anyone could read his writing.

Fast forward to 2005. Paul was working with a man whose son worked on the secret service detail for President Bush. When Paul told him what Clinton did to Matt, he told us he would talk to his son. His son told us he would make sure President Bush got Matt's letter. By now, Matt was a freshman in high school. He had grown quite a bit, and I must say, he wrote a beautiful letter from the heart and didn't even ask for anything. He wrote about how thankful he was that Mr. Bush had kept our country safe, that he was praying for him, and how great he thought Mrs. Bush was. He also talked about his brothers and our family.

Two weeks later, we received a box in the mail from the White House. It contained a case of White House M&Ms (a ton of little white boxes filled with red, white and blue M&Ms...each box had the presidental seal on it) and three autographed pictures, each with one of my child's names on it. Matt was thrilled.

I'm not expecting M&Ms or even three pictures. But I'm hoping someone in his staff will take the time to have him sign a picture and send it to a 19 year-old autistic kid who really really admires him. Let's see if this open government working for the people is really gonna happen.

Change.

I Love the Smell of Inaugural in the Morning

2009-01-22T09:37:00.005-06:00

Ok....maybe it wasn't love. I voted for the other guy. And of course, he didn't win. I'm not claiming to be an expert in all things political, but I think I just agreed more in what Mr. McCain was hoping to achieve.

That's not to say I don't like President Obama, because I do. He gives one hell of a speech and I could seemingly listen to him talk forever. He actually spoke less than a half mile away from my house.

I didn't go, because, well, I voted for the other guy. But I listened to his speech from my front porch and yes, I could hear every word--clearly. How's that for doing things halfway???

So, I was excited but not about the inauguration. Excited more for Matt than anything else. It was his first presidental election and he was all for President Obama. He has an Obama shirt and hat and told everyone he could that it was time. Time for an African American president. He really wanted him to win. And I'm glad he did. Of course, the Obama supporters who showed up at our door up to 3 times a day during the last two weeks of the election could have swayed the boy a bit. (Never saw a McCain supporter--John, you think that's why you didn't win?)

Anywhoo, I had the radio on, the TV was on, and I was trying to get on to CNN Live so I could do the interactive thing on facebook. The feed didn't work. Thanks a lot CNN.

I also had more pressing matters. Namely this. (Yeah, you tried my lame attempt at a link right???? Got nuttin??? That's because after trying for like half an hour to get the damned thing to show up, I gave up. Sorry.) Isn't it pretty?? (Yes, Vera Bradley java blue mini bowler bags are pretty.) I got it on my beloved e bay. For less than $20--it retails for over $50. Because the auction was ending right about the time President Obama was taking the stage. I spent about God knows how long running from my living room back into the kitchen back into the living room and so on. If something sounded interesting, I'd run into the living room, watch it and then come back to the computer and hit the refresh button to see how much time was left in the auction. Then I would click on to the CNN window and facebook to see what everyone was saying. All this time I was having to listen to the action on the radio because the feed wasn't working. Then I'd run back into the living room, watch, run back into the kitchen and the cycle would repeat itself.

But in the end, I won. Gotta love democracy in action.

PS. How do you like the new look???? Let me know. Please.

Stuff Y'all Need to Know

2009-01-21T17:25:00.004-06:00

Hi-dee Ho there fellow Internet Users,

I'm not all that popular. I'll probably never be a DOOCE or Pioneer Woman, and you know, that's ok. Popular's really never been my thing anyway. But that doesn't mean I don't want you all to like me--really like me. And that means hearing you and letting you know you've been heard.

That being said, I'm not in the leastest tiniest little bit computer literate. Really. Not.at.all. So....what this have to do with anything???? I believe as Jodifur does, that it is important to reply to wonderful people who take the time and energy to read about my awful periods, my spending habits (or lack thereof) and my kids. What I'm trying to say is: I can't figure out for the life of me how to find your e-mail addresses when you comment. So unless you actually GIVE me your e-mail address I won't be able to answer you. If you get an answer from me, it is because I've commented on your blog and you have e-mailed me and I have your address already. If any of you happen to know how to go about doing this, could you please let me know so I won't feel so stooopid??

I read and appreciate everything you say. So thank you......very very much. And here I am to answer your questions and to comment on your comments.

Nil,

Worrying is my thing. I do it well, and often. My friend Mo calls me a "straight to the tragedy" type. Nothing is ever what it seems. It must be at least ten thousand times worse than anything that is reality. And the Disney thing, well, if you knew me IRL, you'd know that I can't put into words just how much I love Walt, his little mouse friends, princesses and the like. I fall short of obsession, but really the love there is almost beyond words. I tend to take this trip WAAAY too seriously. And since worrying is my thing, and since Disney tends to do all it can to make sure your trip is great, I worry about the one thing I can worry about--having enough money. I know I said it before, but the 2001 trip really rocked my world. It verged on pathetic. I HATED not having any money. No money pretty much ruined the trip for me, and tended to color how I look at going back. I know this trip will be different, but it is my nature. I must worry. I found out that I can call Disney and find out how much their t-shirts and different merchandise costs and will be doing that soon. That way, I'll have an idea if my budget is completely off, and can plan accordingly.

Jen,

I'm glad you found me via Kristabella. She is very funny and cracks me up. I hope you will continue reading.

On the weight front: I am still getting there and cutting portions and I went for a walk (indoors of course) and shoveled snow yesterday. I know that might sound wimpy for some people, but I know me. If I overdo it, I'll end up on my bed in the fetal position for a week. And I'll quit. This week's baby step has been giving up eating anything after 6pm. This is hard for me because that's what I do. Chips and dip, ice cream, pie, cookies.....And really, I'm not hungry. I'm eating out of boredom. So, I've stopped. But this is hard. You know how hard it is for smokers who have quit to find something else to do with their hands???? That's what is what's up with me. I need to be doing something. I used to cross stitch and loved it, but I quit after I had Nate. I was just too tired at the end of the day when he was a baby, and when he became mobile, I was afraid that he would get into a project and hurt himself with the scissors or needles. Nate is 6 and Quinn will be 5 in another 2 months, so it is just an excuse. Sure, I'm still tired, but I'm awake and need to do something with my hands, so stitching it is. I found a really cute Mickey Mouse pattern at Joann Fabrics and tonight I am going to wind floss and get started. I have a cute little basket to put the floss, needle and the project itself in when I am finished. The basket fits on the top shelf of my closet. No excuses.

So now, I'm off to do something exciting. Have a great day, and once again, thanks for reading.

Snappy Titles are overated

2009-01-18T12:12:00.005-06:00

The trip is on people. We are going to Disney World in December. December 14-21. We will be staying at Port Orleans Riverside--a nice mid priced hotel. We stayed there the first time we went to Disney as a family.

I'm glad we are going in December. We've been there in January, July, and August. I would never recommend going in July. Too hot and too many people. We enjoyed ourselves but there's a reason things didn't fall apart. Matt's autism allowed us a special pass so we could go on rides via an alternate entrance (usually the exit). In other words, we didn't have to wait. Oh, we could handle waiting, waiting was never an issue. Matt can't handle serpentine lines. All those people packed in lines moving up and down a maze. He freaks out. And no one wants to spend all that money on vacation only to have their child cry uncontrollably and quit speaking for hours on end. (yeah, we found out the hard way the first day there--when he almost threw up on Donald Duck).

December in Florida means nicer weather. And Christmas decorations. I loves me Christmas decorations. We won't have the crowds that are there for Christmas vacation, because our trip will be over when that crowd starts.

But there's a catch. The boys are going to have to miss school for the trip. I know I should be all guilty about that. Really. I'm not. It is the week before Christmas. All the kids are wound up and hyper. The last two days of that week involve parties and singing Christmas carols. We can do that in Florida, where it will be warm, and I can have an adult beverage in my hand.

What I am worried about though is the cash flow. We are getting two meals and a snack a day in our package. I just want to have enough money. I shouldn't be worrying about this, because I know we will take enough, but I do. Our 2001 trip to Disney always comes to mind. Paul's dad died in June and our trip was scheduled for July. Matt and I were going to meet my cousins there. Paul decided to stay home because he missed work when his dad died. At that time, he was driving over-the-road. His company allowed him to take time off without pay. But he missed two trips which is equal to 2 weeks work.

Our family was one of those who does the living paycheck to paycheck dance. And missing two weeks meant losing almost half the money for that month. That meant we were also going to have to cut back on how much we could spend when we were there. I really should have caught on earlier, but my life tends to be one big blonde moment. Paul ended up going to Florida. He didn't want me to know until he got there. He was on the flight right after ours. The trip itself was fun. We had a week there and spent mornings and evenings in the parks. Afternoons were spent at the pool or renting watercraft on the lake. We stayed at the Polynesian. It was beautiful. But our cell phone took a dump and Paul was calling my cousins using the phone in the hotel. I knew it, but he didn't realize what a big Bozo no-no that is. We don't do credit cards (weird, I know, but if you don't have them, you can't get into debt with them), and our second day in, the front desk called telling us we owed over $200 in phone bills and how would we like to pay for that.

Paul had sent me down with enough money for Matt and I to have a good time. He came down with about $50, which, in DisneySpeak is about a meal and a half, not including tip. So we had to readjust our spending. We budgeted everything. That was not easy for me. Things got sad at the end of the trip. Matt came first always, but Paul and I split a muffin for breakfast that day. We came home with $.57. Yep, you read right, fifty-seven cents.

While we had a good time, I would rather not relive that situation. I'm a firm believer in balance, unless it is vacation. I want to go and have a good time. I don't want to worry that buying a t-shirt means we can't have dinner. Disney is expensive, and while I love the experience dearly, I'd rather not go at all if we don't have enough money to buy souvenirs and eat where we want to eat.

So, I'm excited. Really excited about this trip. But I'm still worried. Even though we went and had great time and more than enough money in 2006, the 2001 trip is the one that keeps me up at night. I've got lists of stuff we can get before we get there so I won't have to buy it in Florida. I'm looking at backpacks and luggage (for the boys) on e-bay. I've been saving all of our change and singles in a 5 gallon Ice Mountain water bottle. I've been obsessing about how much it will cost to check our luggage and if we should eat donuts for breakfast that morning, or suck it up and eat at the airport. This is crazy.

I really need to chill out.

Indecision Sucks

2009-01-15T10:21:00.002-06:00

I love my husband. Really. I do. He's really grown on me since we met almost 16 years ago.

Jeez, could it be THAT long ago. I remember when I was 16. And being 40 was like a fate that was almost as bad as death.....

Anywhoooo, I was reading my archives. Someone has to do that right???? But I noticed that what I was planning on doing and what actually happened were often two different things. You know, the best laid plans....For example, Christmas shopping. Two completely different outings. Oh, we achieved our objective--getting presents for our kids and my dad, but things didn't go as planned.

And now I know why......And his name is Paul. He is an awful planner and doesn't commit easily. When I tell him we need to go to three different places to do whatever, I can guarantee we will hit one place and then he'll poop out. Or decide that we don't need to go, or whatever.

And this indecision has worked it's way into our Disney trip. You remember the trip to congratulate Quinn on finally saving us a ton of money by peeing and pooping in the potty. First, he told me to book the trip whenever. So, I looked and found a deal in August, booked it....happy happy. Then he told me he'd rather go for Christmas. Canceled the first trip and booked for Christmas. Sure it was like 4 grand more than any other time of the year, but hey, we were going. Then he said he wouldn't be able to get vacation time. So I cancelled and told him someone would have to take Quinn. (I don't like to make promises to my kids and break them--one of those issues I had with my parents when I was a kid--long story, nuff said). Paul told me I could go and just take the little kids. Fine, and besides it would be cheaper. Most moderate Disney hotels only sleep 4 people and there are five of us, so lodging and food would be cheaper...and Paul doesn't like to ride stuff.....yadda, yadda, yadda.

I was ok with everything. Going alone with my two little angels was going to be a challenge, but this is DISNEY, and I think I'd take a rabid dog with me if it meant I could go. (obviously this trip is not just for Quinn, but I've been told it sounds kindve crazy that a 40 year-old is that crazy over a mouse and his amusement park) ((and yeah, mom, it IS your fault)) Yep, everything was just peachy and the trip was scheduled for June 4-11. Got a great rate, and then no worries about the boys missing school. Yippee.

Until last night......Paul came home with a shit-eating grin on his face and told me he had a talk with his boss. Seems that he can take vacation this year--in December. And he wants to go to Disney--with us--in December.

I called Disney for what seems like the 30th time and rescheduled the trip....again. I apologized to Disney cast members....again.

New trip--December 14-21. And I am NOT changing it again.

Really.

Baby It's Cold Outside

2009-01-15T06:41:00.002-06:00

Man oh man, it is cold. Below zero cold, and that's without a wind chill. The kind of cold that makes your eyes water and then freezes the tears right on your face. The cold that makes you realize your house isn't as well insulated as you once thought.

Too damned cold.

But we are warm and happy here. The thermostat is set at 72 degrees. The boys are snug as little bugs in their jammies. I don't have to be anywhere today.

I'm calling the boys off of school today. Why they don't close school is beyond me. Most of the schools around us are closing. Of course it could happen. Yep, and monkeys could fly out of my ass too.

Highland is known for staying open no matter what. And closing as late as possible. While I'm glad I don't have to worry about the school closing on a whim, I don't understand why we have to wait until the kids are at the bus stop before closing the schools for the day. Matt was actually on the bus and on his way before school was called off.

Since I'm a stay-at-home mom, some heads up would be nice, but not completely necessary. But what about working parents??? What do you do with a first grader all day when you find out that there's no school 5 minutes before you have to be out the door??? I can't even imagine having to call in favors to whoever so I can get to work.

So, School Town of Highland, do us a favor. Call it earlier rather than later.....and throw us a bone every now and then. Kids first??? Not if they are frozen.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Say.....

2009-01-13T17:22:00.002-06:00

Hey there,

While many bloggers were taking the holidays off, choosing instead to spend time with family and friends, I was blogging. Until my lovely son, Matthew decided to click on an ad while playing around My Space. Can you guess what happened???? Yep. Another virus. But the difference between back in August and now???? We had cash. So Paul and I went and got the thing wiped and it only took a week to get back up and running.

The boys went back to school last week. The house was quiet for a few hours. It was nice. I know I bought into the whole mom thing when I chose to have kids. I'm supposed to love it 24/7, right??? Truthfully, I do love being a mom--about 90% of the time, but sometimes I just need time to wind down and do stuff. Maybe it is because I had the last two kids later, or maybe it is because I'm not the tower of patience I'd like to be, but I need a break every once and awhile. I wasn't like that with Matt. He'd leave for school and I'd feel like crying. When I went out with Paul, I always wondered what he was doing or if he missed me as much as I missed him. God knows I love Nate and Quinn, but as long as I know they are ok, I'm cool with leaving them and doing something. Perhaps it is the power of numbers. I know they will entertain each other and will be ok.

On the diet front, I've been watching what I'm eating. I definitely have cut back. I don't eat while watching tv. Now for the walking part, nothing there yet. We have been dealing with subzero wind chills and are supposed to get another 5 inches of snow tomorrow. I did join a gym that caters to women, but haven't went yet. My Aunt Flo has made her monthly visit so I'm feeling like well......shit.

My friend, Lisa is getting married this year. To celebrate, we went to see Bride Wars. Cute flick. I don't get to see movies that don't have talking animals or animation often, so this was a welcome break from the norm. What goes with movies???? Popcorn, of course. Oh man, I love my popcorn, especially if it is slathered with that fake movie theater butter, and lots and lots and lots of salt. Yep. I ate it. About a quarter of a medium bag. With a Diet Coke on the side. Yummy. I felt guilty for about 3 seconds. This is the first movie I've seen at an actual movie theater in well over a year. And I didn't eat the whole bag. No guilt. Because who knows when I'll be back at the theater again, and well, it tasted damned good.

I've ordered a new pair of walking shoes online. When they get here (sometime this week), I'm going to the gym.

Now if I only had an ipod.....

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T12:04:00.005-06:00

Happy New Year y'all!!!!!

Well, 2008 is finally over, and I think most of us are breathing a collective sigh of relief. I know I am. Lots of stuff, both good and bad has happened to us this year.

Paul finally found gainful employment with a company that either isn't on the verge of going out of business or is willing to lie to him about how much money he was supposed to make. Yeah!!!!

Matt graduated from high school and found his first more than an hour a day job.

Matt was laid off from said job and turned down for a waiver because he is too advanced. (More about that later.)

Nate was diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. The diagnosis is both a blessing and a curse, but no matter what, he's my guy and I love him.

Quinn is FINALLY out of diapers. PRAISE THE LORD.

NO MORE FREAKING DIAPERS!!!!!! Amen!!!!!

Both of my cousins, Donnie and Larissa died of lung cancer. If you smoke, stop NOW!!! Because really, cancer sucks, as does dying in your early to mid 50's from it.

Things on the parental relationship front appear to be improving.

So, we are finally here at 2009. What's next??? Who knows???

Hopefully, a new president will bring some new ideas to helping our country get out of the rut we are in economically. I didn't vote for him, not because I didn't like him, but my biggest fear is that now that Paul has a job that will firmly plant us in the middle class, President-elect Obama will try his damnedest to shut said industry down. (Paul works in an oil refinery). I'm all for clean air and fuel efficiency, but we still need oil. And my husband needs to keep his damned job. And Joe Biden, please kiss my ass about paying more taxes being my patriotic duty. Stepping off my soapbox........Please, internet, don't hate me because I'm republican.

I also made a discovery about the size of my ass and being unfit. It sucks. Yeah, I'm fat. And in case you aren't and don't think fat people realize we are fat, we do. But since the great weight loss of 2001, I've at least been in some kind of shape. I mean not like I was back then. I've let things go but yesterday I found out just how much my fitness sucks. I had to do some running around yesterday. Since we waited until the last minute for Christmas shopping, we spent pretty much the last two checks buying presents and not much food. I'm anal about my pantry and what's in it. I'm also anal about feeding my kids a balanced diet. I keep what most people consider junk food around the house, but I don't want them to eat that all the time. It is for an occasional snack, not an everyday thing. I believe in balance. We were running out of fresh fruit and veggies. We ran out of eggs and were low on bread. Not good. So, while I ran, I made a quick trip to Subway for lunch for the boys. I came home to drop off their food and give Matt a few extra bucks for babysitting.

The boys got what looked like a watch in their kids meals. The only thing was it wasn't a watch. The thing had four colored lights. You pushed a button in the middle and the lights flashed. When the lights stopped, only one color was lit. There were also four colored cards and whatever colored light remained lit was the colored card that went with it. You were supposed to do what the card said. The boys loved it. They both were doing what the cards said, and then one came up and they didn't know how to do it--do 5 sit ups. "What's a sit up mommy??" Nate asked. We went into the living room and I laid down on the floor. I should known something wasn't gonna work when it took me like 3 minutes to get my large ass down on there. I laid my head in my hands and pulled with all my might. I got my melon and shoulders about 2 inches off the floor. 2.freakin.inches. How pathetic is that???

Then it hit me. What's wrong with me??? I should be able to do a sit up. Really. I should be able to do the 5 sit ups, the 10 push ups, 10 jumping jacks and 5 minutes of dancing without having to sit down for an hour afterwards. I'm 40 dammit--not 80, and sadly enough, there are probably 80 year-olds who are in better shape than me. I need to do something about this. Not only because I don't want to always be the fat mom, not only because I'm tired of looking like shit and looking uncomfortable, but because I need to be healthy for my kids. I need to be healthy for me.

I lost 80 some odd pounds in 2001. And it didn't kill me. I started by walking. Then I cut my portion sizes in half. That's it. I didn't cut out any particular food. I didn't go low fat, low anything. I ate out. I ate cake. But I cut anything I wanted to eat by 1/2. And it didn't take forever, and I didn't feel deprived. Because, after all, life is about birthdays and an occasional scoop of Ben and Jerrys chocolate chip cookie dough.

Yes, I did gain a significant portion of it back, and I know why. I quit. That's it. Before I would see that it was raining outside and I'd think to myself, "I need to do this--no excuses." I'd hop in the car and go to the Lincoln Center. They have an indoor walking track there. No rain. If it was too hot, then I hit the gym I decided to join because it is air conditioned. Heck, I walked from the Polynesian to the Grand Floridian at Disney World. In 90 degree heat, in sand because of my no excuses mantra.

Then I had Nate. I only gained 22 or so pounds during my pregnancy with him. I was wearing my old clothes within a month. And at the six week mark I decided to try to walk again. Nate was a great baby, but the whole walking thing wasn't his speed. I'd have to stop within a half mile and do whatever to calm him down. Paul wasn't home a lot because he was still driving over the road, and I wasn't about to let Matt watch him. The gym membership had run its course and I didn't trust anyone there to watch him, and then it happened. It being Paul coming down with cellulitis. He almost lost his leg. And he was off work for 6 months. Depression hit, and so did my no excuses mantra.....it all hit the fan. As my life was seemingly going to shit, I starting eating more. Paul is fat too. God knows I love him, but let's not mince words here. (Yeah, he reads da blog) So, I'm eating more, sitting more. You all know how this ends.

It ends with me laying on my back on my living room floor knowing I should be able to show my 6 year-old son how to do a sit up. But unable to do so, and that just ain't right.

So, internet people, all three of my loyal readers, hold me accountable please. I will not make a New Year's Resolution--those things are setting you up to fail. But I really would like 2009 to be not only Year of the Mom as Motherhood Uncensored would like, but also the year that Sheri gets her groove back.

Thanks and have a nice day!!!!

I Wanna Go to Disney World NOW!!!

2008-12-29T22:03:00.002-06:00

My neighbor went at the beginning of the month. My Aunt Jean just got back on the 26th. I'm getting antsy, because dammit, I wanna go. Now.

I have been to Disney World in Florida 6 times. The first time was in 1979. The last was in 2006. Our next trip will probably be in May 2009. We were going to go in August. Our trip is booked for the second week in August, but Disney is running a promotion where you can get 3 nights free if you book 4 nights during a certain time. The exact same vacation will be over $1000 less if we go in May.

This vacation is going to be different though. Matt and Paul aren't going. Wierd, I know, but Paul can't take vacation yet, and Matt, well, he'd drive me crazy. So later on this year, Paul and Matt are going to take a 3 day Vegas vacation. The Disney trip is just for the little boys and me.

I know I have mentioned my love of all things Disney before. But if you are new, yeah, I'm a huge Disney fan. I have always loved Disney. My parents took me to see all of the Disney movies in the theater when I was a kid: Cinderella, Snow White, Jungle Book, 101 Dalmations, Peter Pan. Saw them all in the 70's on the big screen. Loved them then and still love them. As a child, I remember watching Cinderella and just wanting her dress so bad. I'm such a priss. Seriously.

Way way way back in the day, The Wonderful World of Disney was on every Sunday. Watched that every week too. We also had vinyl read-along Disney books and a beautiful set of hardcover Disney books I remember paging through before I could actually read.

Note to self: Tell mom the Disney thing is all her fault.

I can't wait for this trip. I really don't want to go too often. That, to me, takes the specialness out of it. But 3 years is too long for me to stay away. And the boys are at that fun age where they really really believe. I love Disney for me, but I love seeing it through their eyes. Nate was 3 1/2 years old and Quinn was 20 months old our last trip. Matt was 16, we saw him when he wanted to eat or needed money. The little boys swear they remember things from the last trip but I doubt it. Quinn is my mini-me, especially when it comes to Disney. He is a big fan of Mickey.

I don't know how flying with two kids alone will be. They are getting older. I know we can go most places now without a meltdown, and both are potty trained, so I won't have to pack like I'm leaving for a month. I know we will miss Paul and Matt, but really, Paul hates rides and Matt would rather die than be seen with his mom---especially since I'll be wearing my Minnie Mouse ears and a fanny pack.

I'll let you know when we are going.

Where do you like to go on vacation and why????

Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T11:42:00.002-06:00

Heeelllllooooo Internet,

Well, we survived. The ride to the mall was a bit bumpy and icy, but we got there and it wasn't that bad. The lines were long, but for the most part, people behaved themselves and weren't as rude as they seemed to be in years past.

I hate admitting I'm wrong about Toys R Us, but I was wrong. I was expecting hell. Luckily, it wasn't.

Although, on a side note, before I sing Toys R Us' praises, WTF with only having 3 lanes open???? Is being on crack a requirement for Toys R Us management??? Really. When the lines are snaking around the store, perhaps it would behoove you all to open another lane so we could get out sooner. You lost several people who came in to buy like one thing. Add, oh, I dunno, at least 15 of those one-things and you are losing some money. I stopped counting at 15. Think about it. Really.

Ok, I'm getting back on the train again......We found everything for the little boys at Toys R Us. Even Bakugans. They were the toy to get this year for my kids and everytime I was at my beloved Target, there were none. And I hit Target at least twice a week, so that's saying something. Toys R Us had an entire aisle of Bakugan.

If you are wondering just what the hell Bakugan are, I'm probably not the person to ask, but as far as I can tell they are these little round things that turn into dragons and such when you roll them over little magnetic cards. The kids battle them and all that jazz.

We went to Best Buy to get my dad a navigation thingie. (yes, thingie is a technical term) He's been talking about getting one, but hasn't because my brother is trying to bankrupt him by borrowing his credit cards, charging stuff on them and then not paying him back. But that's another story for another time. I wanted to get him the navigation thingie. I was worried that Azzwipe might get it for him too. So, after we got done buying Matt his Xbox, and the navigation system, we hauled ass to my parent's house. And we gave him his present early. He loved it, and believe me, that's saying something. My dad IS Archie Bunker and rarely cracks a smile, but he thanked us over and over again.

Yesterday was crazy. Those gifts don't wrap themselves. And I suck at wrapping. Really. I'm slow and usually when I get done, it looks like a 2 year-old wrapped it. But this year, I was determined. This is the first time in like 4 Christmases where we had money and time to wrap. And for some reason, nothing we purchased needed to be assembled. Yes, God was on my side this year. So, I wrapped and bagged at mom and dad's while Paul did some last minute stuff (like buying stockings for the boys because we couldn't find our other ones). They came over at 5 and we ate.

Santa came at 7. Paul worked with a man who does Santa-real beard and all. His wife is Mrs. Claus. They rocked. The kids lost their minds. Since Paul worked with him, and they talked he knew which boy was which, and they loved it. They got two gifts apiece and tore into them just like I did when I was a kid. We got some great pictures and as soon as Matt helps me download, I'll try to post them.....

My dad got another navigation system. But he is keeping mine.......score-Sheri 1 Azzwipe 0.
Paul bought the system from my dad, because if my brother returned it, there would be a restocking fee, and my dad isn't the returning stuff kinda guy. So my parents have some money to spend on themselves after Christmas.

The boys woke up this morning and had a lot of fun opening stuff. But Nate said it all......"Christmas is about family and love. Presents are nice, but family is the most important part."

He's right.

Merry Christmas to you all.

Last Minute Panic

2008-12-23T10:23:00.003-06:00

Here I sit at my computer, two full days before Christmas. Paul gets paid early this week. Today in fact. When he arrives home this evening, the boys will be fed and ready to hang out watching Christmas DVDs. Matt will be babysitter tonight. And we will be going......to the mall.

We have been married for 14 frigging years, and every year sometime around Halloween, I say, "Hey Honey, let's start buying a couple of things a week towards Christmas." And every year, he agrees with me. And every year, we somehow put it off. Truthfully, WE don't put it off. I stand in the middle of Target and make a list and find stuff online and show it to him. And he grunts and tells me it will go on sale.....or we don't have the money, so we don't buy anything. Then December comes, and I mention shopping, and he ignores me. Fast forward through December till the week of Christmas. I don't know what happens to the man, but he suddenly HAS to shop NOW. Probably because there's no time left, but because nothing can be marked down any lower.....until the day after Christmas, and that would kindve defeat the purpose, you know what I mean.

So, we are expecting another 3-6 inches of snow tonight, and instead of being snug and safe in our house, Paul and I will be at the mall, along with the rest of NW Indiana. As much as I love shopping, I really don't want to be there tonight. Too many people. And really, what's left to buy???? If our local Target is any indicator, nothing we want will be there.

Just in case you are curious as to what we are going to buy......
We are going to Costco for 20% off gift cards and are gonna get some from Build-a-Bear Workshop, and hopefully they will have a Wii left, if not, oh well.
Then onto the mall itself for Build-a-Bear Workshop to buy accessories for Nate and Quinn's stuffed animals. We will go look for "SharkBoy and LavaGirl" on DVD. Ambercrombie and Fitch and Hollister will be on our list for clothes for Matt, and probably Children's Place for a couple of outfits. And then, we're headed for hell aka Toys R Us for Transformer toys. Hopefully, this will only take us a few hours.

I'm going to my parent's house to wrap like crazy tomorrow. Fun fun fun.

NEXT YEAR this will NOT happen. Really. I swear.

Random Bits of Randomness

2008-12-20T10:32:00.003-06:00

Well, the weekend is here. Waaahoooo!!!! And right now, nothing that is happening in my life is quite post worthy, but lots of little things are going on. I know everyone is waiting to find out what's up so here we go (in my favorite bullet form)

Quinn's preschool encourages home visits by the teachers. It sounds all fine and great, but I've talked about my less-than-perfect housekeeping skills. You know just above house-of-squalor and way way way below Donna-Reed-perfection. So anywhoo, Quinn's home visit was supposed to be yesterday. I say supposed because we got hit with an ice storm the night before. His teacher called to ask if we could reschedule--at 8:30. The visit was supposed to take place at 9:00. I had just spent an hour shoving stuff under beds, in closets and was cleaning my kitchen floor when she called. I felt cheated. All that moving and shoving for nothing. I did tell her that I thought that Quinn was, well for lack of a better word, hyper, and I was concerned about a repeat of Nate's kindergarten year. She said she didn't do any of the testing but would make note of his behavior. She also admitted that he doesn't have the best attending skills, but tried to attribute that to his age. I told her I was going to have a talk with our doctor and get back to her. The sad part: these teachers are told their job will be gone if they don't tow the company line. So they have to keep their mouths shut if they want their job. Sad but true.
Part of our Christmas shopping is done. But Paul keeps on telling me to wait to finish because they will have better deals then. OK. Fine. My parents watched the boys for a couple of hours so we could get some of it done. Yeah, I'll talk more about that little miracle more later. We went to Big Lots, got a few little things like puzzles and more hot wheel cars (we have an entire tub full of those things), but didn't find anything really interesting. Then we went to Cabelas to buy the little boys a pop gun. Cute, but still not what they were asking Santa for. We went to Ace Hardware and got two disk type sleds. And then we hit WalMart. I'm not a fan. The WalMart by our house is a hell hole. It is always dirty and the workers are rude. Before you get all up in my face about my lack of love for the WalMart, I've been to other ones in Michigan and Florida and they are the complete opposite of the one I shop at: clean, well-stocked, lots of happy employees ready and willing to help. Well, let's just say we were counting on getting the boys Transformer toys there because they are constantly advertising them there. There.was.nothing.worthwhile.left.in.the.store. Really. The toy section looked like it had been ramsacked by Santa's elves. What a mess, and what was left of the toys were either for small babies and toddlers or 10 year-olds.
We are going to have to go to the dreaded Toys R Us when we get paid again on Tuesday. This really pains me for two reasons: Toys R Us is hell this time of year and Tuesday is the day before Christmas Eve. Holy shit. I could kill my husband. Really. Well, except for the fact that I ain't going to jail for nobody. (Proper English--gotta love it)

It is too damned cold outside now. Like 5 below zero. WTF????
My Aunt Jean is in Disney World now with her grandsons. I know she needed to get away for the holidays just to make them bearable, but the holidays won't be the same without her. Tomorrow is her birthday. Every year we call each other on our birthdays and sing the birthday song to each other.
If the economy is so bad, why did I just have to wait for almost an hour at the Starbucks drive thru????
White chocolate peppermint lattes rock!!! Try one. You can thank me later.

My bullet point looks like it was typed by a drunk, but I have to go break up a fight in the living room, so I'm not fixing it. Have a great day.

All I Want for Christmas is a Little Peace (and Quiet)

2008-12-16T17:36:00.003-06:00

Hello Internet People,

I'm about ready to lose my mind. Actually, most of it has been lost for quite a while, but what little is left is about to be lost, if you know what I mean.

You don't know what I mean???

How about I paint a picture for you???

My house--done. Party supplies and party plans for preschool and first grade party--purchased and done. Cookie ingredients--purchased and in a bin with recipes ready for next week. Cards--3/4 done. Santa has directions to my parent's house and will be there X-mas Eve. I have about 2 hours worth of mall shopping. But that's ok....

So, what's wrong with this picture???? Why am I going to lose it any moment now????

One word--Quinn.

I don't know if his preschool is feeding him crack or what, but the past two months have been nothing but crazy with him, and God knows, I can't do much more crazy. He runs around like he's been wound up too tight. In circles. Like a crazy man. From the moment he wakes, until his head hits the pillow, he goes and goes and goes. He gets into things he knows full-well he shouldn't, he destroys his room and anywhere he goes, leaving a path of toy pieces and broken stuff in his path. He's four and a half--not 2.

God help me, but when he leaves in the morning, I'm almost relieved. I know I should be shot for even saying that, but it is the truth.

The hardest thing: his preschool teacher. I really like her. She is a great teacher. But she is of no help to me when it comes to seeing if this is just a phase or if I should seek help for him. Because she sees nothing. He's just fine according to her. She said the same thing about Nate. And I believed her. Sortve. I mean, I knew they wanted him out of special education, and I had concerns about his age going into kindergarten, but she swore he was great and he'd be just fine.

She was wrong. Nate has aspergers and ADHD. I spent hours on the phone with his teacher, his classroom aide, his principal, the cafeteria ladies..... Finally a diagnosis, as plain as the nose on my face, but his preschool teacher. saw. nothing.

Believe me, I've done this before--twice now. I know full well the administrative side could care less and puts pressure on the teachers to turn a blind eye to problems. I know. I just keep on hoping that this time things will be better. That somehow, these people who have gotten the education and dedicated their lives to teaching will suddenly give a shit. I even know that this will not happen.

I am not sure I even have enough fight left in me anymore. You know what the scary part is??? Really. A doctor could diagnose any of my kids with anything and I'd still love them and be ok. The thing that is going to drive me over the edge is dealing with the school system.

Autism???? Been there. Done that. Same with ADD, ADHD, aspergers, mild mental handicap.....Bring. it. on. Will I be sad??? Yep. Will I be mad???? Disappointed??? Will I scream why my son and cry????? You betcha. But I'll get over it, because I love my kids and want what is best for them.

The. one. thing. I. cannot. handle.........Case conferences, IEPs and all the special education crap for another. thirteen. years. I literally want to throw up just thinking about it. There are few things in life I hate.....racism, discrimination, hate itself. I try to find the good in people. Really. I don't really hate anyone except Hitler and the administration of our special education cooperative. I'm not even comparing the two, because that would be an insult to Hitler.

Yep, I hate them that much.

In reality, I will grow a couple and live to fight another day, but it is just sad that I should have to fight. Educating children with special needs helps everyone in the long run. Spending a little more now saves a lot more later.

My kids and yours deserve educators who are truthful and care about doing their job.

Looks Like Santa Threw Up in Here

2008-12-10T07:55:00.002-06:00

I'm a big fan of holiday decorating. I love lots of pumpkins and mums for Halloween. I have orange lights on all the bushes and little stuffed ghosts hanging from the trees. For Thanksgiving, there are pilgrims and the giant blow up turkey in the front yard. There are cute little turkeys and pilgrim figurines on our mantle, and I wear a turkey apron that has "Eat Beef" embroidered on it.

But Christmas is where I shine. We have lights outside and all. The exterior of our house is average. But once you get inside, hold on your hats. this house is 1100 square feet upstairs and that's all I'm doing since I'm not touching the great abyss until next year. But that upstairs is filled with 4 trees, 527 Santa Clauses, 3 manger scenes and countless other stuff including Christmas towels, sheets, soaps, rugs, dishes, glasses......and a leg lamp.

I love to decorate. The year before Paul and I married, my mom and I went shopping the day after Christmas and I bought our first tree. I got a beautiful 7 1/2 foot full tree. The thing was huge. I also got a ton of maroon and gold ribbon and lots of maroon beads. My mom found a rotating tree stand and started buying me ornaments when she saw them.

Our first Christmas together in our first place was great. I was ready. I made all the bows for the tree and strung up the beads, the ornaments went great with the tree. My mom even gave me 2 from my deceased brother's trees. She gave me her manger set. And somewhere we found a Santa tray. It looked great in the middle of my coffee table. Although we both agreed that it needed something on it. The week before Christmas I found some Santa figurines on sale and put them on the tray.

And that's how it began.

My parents go to auctions and find all kinds of cool stuff. My mom thought those 3 Santas looked so good on that tray that she found a box with 20 different ones in it and gave them to me.....I really loved them and then I had the tray full of them. A few boxes later, the tray and the top of a cabinet in our living room were full. The next year, the collection extended onto the shelves of our massive entertainment center. The year after that, we moved and my friends started getting into the action. I got several from Mo and the lady I babysat for got me some. I found Santa soaps that year.

After we had Nate, we cut back on what we put up. For the past 6 years, we felt lucky if the tree made it up, but last year, I told Paul the boys were getting bigger and we talked with them about our collection and how, if they left it alone, we would put it up. They repeated again and again that they would "look with their eyes not with their hands" and up it went. This time I counted....I own 527 Santas. And they are all over my house. But I love it, and so do my boys.

Ho Ho Ho.

I'm Sick, Crap Fairs and Quinn on Crack

2008-12-08T13:31:00.003-06:00

Last Thursday, Quinn came home from school and just sat down. He didn't eat hardly any of his lunch (nachos, and veggies) and he just continued to sit and watch TV. I was perfectly happy with this, especially since I had emptied out his and Nate's room to reorganize (read--throw away old toys) and clean it up. I kept an eye on him, but I wasn't really worried because he had fought going to bed the night before and I figured he was tired.

About halfway through the cleaning up, he got up and went into my bedroom to take a nap. Something had to be up, because this kid is NOT the type who just naps. He fights sleep. So I went in and felt his forehead---HOT. Oh, shit, I thought, there goes the rest of the day. His temp was 104. I called the doctor and got ready to leave. Get this--Paul took all the cash we had on hand to work (idiot), he also took the insurance card (double idiot), and left me barely enough gas to get to the doctor and back. I called him and gave him a wee small piece of my mind. The diagnosis: strep. Antibiotics and rest. He is fine now......

I however, am not. I'm sick. I don't have a fever and probably don't have strep, but I've got the cold symptoms and can't sleep. Nyquil you say??? Oh no. Not unless I want to be in a coma for the next 2 days. I love me my Nyquil, but unless Paul is going to be home, I can't do it. So Quinn is great and making up for lost time by running around our house like a crazy man. I, on the other hand, am doing nothing other than sitting on my way-too-big ass.

Yesterday was a good day. My Auntie Jean and I went to the local craft fair. Paul and I call them crap fairs. I love looking and making the occasional purchase, Paul would rather do almost anything than go with me. When Auntie Jean called and asked if I still wanted to go, Paul saw this as a sign from the good Lord himself. He couldn't get me out of the house fast enough. I went to take a shower and went into our room to find he had layed out my clothes, made sure my cell phone was charged and had put money into my purse. Even my coat and scarf were ready for me. Auntie Jean picked me up and we went to the fair. Lots of nice stuff. We didn't really need anything, but I got her a small snowman, and she got me a big one. We then went to the dollar store to get a couple of tins she could fill with cookies and give away. Then lunch--yummy.

After that we went to the Lake County Visitors Center to see their Christmas display. The 1983 movie "A Christmas Story" turns 25 years old this year. It was set in Hammond. My hometown borders Hammond, Indiana, (it is called Hohman in the movie--in reality Hohman is a main street in Hammond). Other than being on Lake Michigan and making steel, northwest Indiana isn't known for much--except this movie.

Our visitors center got the Macy's window displays that were done in honor of the movie. They are selling leg lamps. The movie will be shown, there's an ugly lamp contest, autograph signings with a couple of the stars--all that jazz. We looked at all the displays and then came home. I'm taking my kids next weekend. Santa sits on a big deck and after telling him their wishes, kids have to go down a slide to leave. If you haven't seen the movie, I'm sure you are thinking I've lost my mind, so go and see it. I haven't met anyone who hasn't loved it.

So, what do you do for fun around the holidays??

OJ Poor OJ

2008-12-05T15:29:00.002-06:00

I just heard the news about OJ Simpson. Going to the big house. Oh how I'll miss him. NOT!!!!

Yeah, I'm one of the people who thinks he finally got what he deserves. You'd think he'd learn after being found not guilty of murdering two people. But nooooooo, he has to continue to screw up and push the envelope, until today.

In the grand scheme of things, this isn't gonna do anything to change my life. And I haven't watched any of this trial.

However, I either watched or listened to a majority of his first one. My dad and my friend Mo's mom believed he was innocent. Mo and I believed he was guilty. Mo used to call me and tell me she'd almost throw up when her mom complained that "her OJ" wasn't getting a fair trial. Please!!!!

Matt was 5-6 during that trial. He understood little to nothing about what was going on or why. And he didn't want to either. It was boring to him. I used that to my advantage. If he misbehaved, he got "10 minutes of OJ". And oh how he hated the OJ. Really.hated.the.OJ.

One afternoon while we were grocery shopping, Matt started getting mad when I wouldn't buy him gum. (I like NOT having chewed gum in my hair, my clothes, his clothes, our furniture etc). I knew the disappointed was about ready to turn ugly and he said something like "I no like mom." really loud in the middle of the store. Remember-autistic kid, few words. That was akin to a public "f-you" in Mattspeak. I knew that if I gave in and got him the gum, I'd pay 20 times over in other ways, so I stuck with it, and he said it again and again and again. After the oh, 15th time, I stopped, turned around and looked at him and knew the punishment would have to be harsh. Not only did I need to send the message that he couldn't be disrespectful to mom, but also to show the other idiots who were shooting me the "look" that I meant business.

You all have seen the look--given either by old people with perfect children, or young people without children or judgy types who think that your parenting skills are subpar. The glare and rolling of eyes, usually followed by shaking of the head and a heavy sigh.

But I digress.......I looked at Matt, took my hand and turned his chin upwards so he was looking right at me and said, "Son, you have just earned a half hour of OJ--no gum."

Those people shooting me the look were confused, but understood when Matt looked at me as though I had slapped him in the face and said , "Oh no mom, NO OJ peese. I be good. NOOOOOOO OOoooJJJJAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!"

We checked out. No gum. And he took his medicine like a man. Nuff said.

Finally....

2008-12-04T22:03:00.002-06:00

OMG.... I can't believe it. I am finally sitting on the internet-IN MY HOUSE. The kitchen specifically. Any of you still there???? Someone, anyone???? Anyone????

I'd been asking Paul to get the damned thing fixed. And he finally did, but he wasn't working on the whole internet connection thing. Hell, he doesn't use it, and could give two shits....but one of my many character flaws is that I dig my feet in and won't move. I thought that since he said he'd do it I'd just wait till he did. Yeah, well obviously it wasn't happening. Monday, ATT gave me a call and asked me if I wanted internet service....and of course I jumped back into the fray.

Whatever happened to me going by mom's house and using her computer??? I did. But I get a shitload of email, and I couldn't like go over there every day. I'd go nuts. So I'd go like oh, twice a week and delete about a thousand or so e-mails a day (yes, I'm serious).

Anywhoo......basics about what's been going on here, in my favorite bullet point, and yeah, I'll go into more detail later.

Paul is still working. Good thing. Different company--same union. Excellent money.
Nate is on ritalin. The first two weeks of school were hell. He is a completely different kid. Very good thing. Yeah, I don't even want to hear about drug horror stories or how I'm turning my kid into a zombie. He needed the stuff. He's even commented that it slows his brain down so he can think.
Quinn--crazy. Funny. Wants to marry Matt's girlfriend's 7 year-old sister.
No second car-yet. Shit credit. I think Paul is going to ask my dad to co-sign. Pray.
My cousin, Don, died November 1st.

I'll write more later. Matt is going to explode if he doesn't get online right.this.minute.

See ya later.

I Don't Like Ike

2008-09-16T21:34:00.003-05:00

Not the president, I probably would have liked Ike. He was a war hero. And I'm all about loving the war heroes (and that's all I'm going to say about the upcoming election).

I'm talking about the damed hurricane that happened in Texas this past weekend. Ike, you stupid motherfucker, you are a HURRICANE, you have NO DAMNED business bringing your ass up to northwest Indiana. Get it!???? Fucking asshole.

We got water--not much, but enough. Like about 2 inches in the great abyss--home to all of our shit--in boxes.......The past two days have been spent cleaning up water and going through stuff. Throwing stuff away. Good times.

The boys got a day off school. They were thrilled.

In other news.....

The computer is being fixed right NOW. Should be up and running by this weekend.

Quinn is OFFICIALLY out of pull-ups and in big boy pants. I can't tell you how great it is to NOT have to spend a ton of money for special pants for my kid to pee and poop in. The straw that finally broke that camel's back--a sticker chart. Who woulda thunk it???? The damned thing was laying around for probably the last six months. I told him when he filled up the chart, he could wear big boy pants AND I'd plan a trip to Disney World. Filling up the chart took 5 hours. And he refuses to wear pull-ups to bed either. Cold turkey in a day.

We have planned the trip for the second week in August. Anyone have about $4000 we can borrow????

Anywhoooo, that's it with us for now. I AM still alive. I've been reading a lot and commenting not at all. I miss you all and hope you'll remember who I am when I get back on full time again.

See you all soon.

Yes, I'm Still Alive, Sortve......

2008-08-27T18:33:00.002-05:00

Well, our computer has become a giant spider solitare machine. I keep on telling Paul he needs to take it in. But since he pretty much never gets online, he could care less as to whether we get the virus zapped or get internet service. Bonehead!!!!!

So once again, I am here by my mom's house, blogging away. Wondering if anyone will even bother to read this, because I've been away from my puter so long. I'd stop by more often, but my parents are well, pains in the butts. They spend so much of their time complaining. It drives me nuts.

Now, what's been up since you've heard from me last.....hmmmmm.....

Larissa's memorial mass was last week. Very touching. Very sad. Paul stayed home with the boys while I went with my parents. They fought all the way to the service---over nothing.
Nate started first grade and Quinn started his second year of preschool. I cried on their first days. On the first day they were both gone (5 hours a day to myself!!!! Go me!!!!), I called everyone I knew because I was lonely. I have since gotten over that feeling. But I do miss them during the day.
Matt got a job. He works at Dairy Queen. He loves his job. Straight days--20 hours a week and all the slushies he can drink. What's not to love???
The younger boys, Paul and I went to Union IL this past weekend to ride Thomas the Tank Engine. I'll post pictures later. We had fun. The boys loved the train ride and can't wait to do it again next year. I made them their own scrapbooks and they read them every day.
Matt will be 19 on August 31st. Where did all the time go???? He wants a new digital camera. We are planning a Chicago trip this weekend. He has also mentioned Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL.....huge mall, lots of elevators. Just Matt's speed.

I'll be back soon, I promise. With pictures.....or Paul's dick in a can if he doesn't fix my damned puter soon.

Miss Me??? Yeah, Yeah, whatevaaaa....

2008-08-13T20:22:00.002-05:00

Well, this has been one helluva week at our house. I'd been missing my Aunt Jean every time I'd call so I finally found out she had made dinner for Donnie and Little (yeah, he's like 6 ft 3 and we still call him Little) Donnie and she was going to spend the night at their house. When I called everything was all quiet and she told me that she didn't expect my cousin to make it through the night. She was right. Larissa died at 3:27 Monday morning. It was just a bad day all around. It is hard to be all up and peppy when you get that news. And the boys really didn't know her so they wouldn't understand. Paul was supposed to go and see about vehicle two and then get some stuff faxed by his sister (works for a lawyer and has a fax machine). I called her and let her know to tell Paul to just. get. home. now. He did. By that time, I was all cried out and just spent. I felt like I could just drop.

There will be no wake, no announcement in the paper---just a simple funeral mass. She wanted to be cremated. When Donnie dies, their ashes will be put into a single urn and buried next to my uncle.

Calling my Aunt has been hard. I don't know what to say. Really, how do you go about comforting someone who has lost one child, then had the one true love of her life die and then her daughter-in-law and soon, most likely, her son???? I just tell her I'm sorry. I know we have the same beliefs in Heaven, but even that doesn't make either one of us feel better about it. She's wondering what she's done wrong to deserve all this pain. And I know full well, she's done nothing wrong. It is just the way life is.

Why did my mom have two babies who died??? Why did Kim lose two children in one day???? Why do Matt and Nate have autism??? It is just what happens. Shit happens. I suppose it is how you chose to deal with the shit that makes your life worthwhile. And is a living tribute to those who left you here.

After Quinn, I was afraid of having anymore children. Oh sure I wanted more. I'm probably one of the few women in this world who, while getting cut open during a c-section, was talking to her husband about having another.

Last week, Paul brought up having one more baby. After picking my lower jaw up off the floor, I told him we needed to act now, because these eggs are 40 years old and I don't want to be any older than need be when we finally decide.

We are going to do it again. One more roll of the dice. There's a 15% chance of some degree of autism, but I chose to believe there's an 85% chance nothing will go wrong. I hope you all will keep us in your prayers.

Before he got really sick, I told my Uncle Don I wanted to have another baby. I expected him to react like my mom and other family members--"why not be happy with the three you have??? don't you have enough kids??? jeez." He didn't. He told me I was a great mom and Paul is a great dad. He said he loves our kids and he hoped we'd have another. He told me "to go for it and tell anyone who says otherwise to go to hell." Well, Uncle Don, I'm going for it again. Watch out for me, ok?????

Well, internet people, I've got to download some stuff to send in to the sperm bank people. Have a great night.

The Results of My Survey and Other Stuff.....

2008-08-08T20:38:00.002-05:00

Hello Internet people.

I have missed you. A lot. Probably more than you know. I am sure Alice and Kim are wondering if we went on our "vacation" or not. We did not. We joined the zoo. And got a sink for our bathroom. After spending a couple of hours looking at prices for the indoor water parks, and knowing that we could spend that time outdoors, we figured we'd go this fall.

Speaking of the internet, my internet service took a giant dump. Sortve. Matt loves his MySpace and I've been told that nothing can mess with your computer like the many many viruses that can be "caught" on MySpace. He downloaded something and our puter got sick. This caused our internet service to tell us we needed to reload. And of course with that comes the dreaded security questions. I actually forgot how I answered who my favorite singer is, so it won't let us on. After talking with many many heavily accented customer service people, we cancelled and then started up our service again, but we are waiting for it to start. So, here I sit at my mother's house--writing my blog.
The blog no one in my family other than Paul knows I have. And my mom is sitting right next to me watching TV. Good times.

So, until we get the damned net back up and running, I won't be posting much. Forgive me please. Really.

And just because I love you that frigging much, I'm leaving you with this thought--I have an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist on September 5th. Go ahead, tell me I'm nuts. I'm waiting.

See you all soon.

Whatcha think????

2008-07-31T20:53:00.002-05:00

Why am I asking???

Because I love you just that much.

Here's where I need some assvice.... Paul just got a new job. We finally have some money...yadda, yadda, yadda. You all know that, if you have been reading, if not, well, you know now.

We haven't really been away from home for almost 3 years. No overnights at all. Paul wants to do an indoor water park that is about 2 hours away, and he'd like to spend the night.

I'm all for it, except for the fact that our house needs some TLC, and that will cost some money. And we could really use the $300-$400 we'd spend at a waterpark (yeah, really, by the time we pay for the hotel room, new towels for everyone, meals, snacks, game and movie rentals etc).

I don't want to be a party pooper, but I'm the person stuck here all day, and I'd like to at least enjoy the experience. Right now, we need some help with organizational bins, and boxes for the storage area, stuff for our bathroom etc.....

A weekend is just that, but our house is ours forever.

I'm willing to compromise and perhaps join the zoo or a museum again. It costs roughly $100 and we'd be able to go free for a year. Besides, part of the cost of the membership is tax deductible.

Let me know, am I being too much of a party pooper??? Should I just say yes to the weekend thing and suck it up???? Or am I being responsible????

I don't believe there is a right or wrong, just a difference of opinion.

Thanks for the help internet people.

Everything Started Out OK, and Then.....

2008-07-28T09:09:00.003-05:00

I went shopping Friday evening--just as I do every Friday evening. ALONE. That's the best part. I don't have anyone throwing a fit because I'm not buying toys, or CDs or whatever.

Last year, I made a master list of everything we use or could ever need. I run one off once a week and circle what we need. Then I go to my trusty coupons and pull out the ones we will use and put them in the front of my organizer. Now before you think I'm completely anal, I am, but that doesn't mean I'm completely rigid. I do go off the list from time to time. I just want to make sure I'm not forgetting anything.

I went grocery shopping, to Target for underwear and shampoo and then to Costco--oh how I love the Costco. Sigh!!!! Almost as much as I love Target, but that's another post.

After a good 3 hours of retail therapy, I came home to find Paul looking rather sad. I figured he was tired and the boys were all over him. So when I asked him how the boys were and if anything was wrong he said, "Nah, nothing's wrong, but your Auntie Jean called. Larissa wants to see you."

At that point, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I called my Aunt, thinking Paul must have heard her wrong or something. But he was right. Larissa wanted to see me.

People tell me how much they hate hospitals all the time. Duh!!!! I have yet to meet anyone who actually LIKES hospitals. Maybe doctors and nurses, but to sit around visiting someone sick--no love lost there. I done it way too much. My grandmother had heart problems, then Paul's parents both had cancer and other health problems, then my Uncle Don, my mom....way too much time spent in the hospital. But I'm really good at putting on my happy face and getting a special get well gift and sitting there. My reputation precedes me--lonely and want someone to sit with you when you are sick??? I'm your girl.

I do it because I love my family. When I had my boys, I had visitors (not my mom) and I was glad to have them. As I have said before, I am not a big fan of hospitals and having visitors took my mind off of being there.

Larissa wanting to see me shocked me. Donnie and she are private people and I thought she'd want just her son, grandson, husband and my aunt around her. But she was looking for me.

I remember meeting her when I was around 5 years old. She was really cool (and 16 years old). She was nice to me and didn't treat me like a baby. I've always liked her. She's loud and funny and she makes me laugh.

My Auntie Jean warned me she might or might not know me, or even remember I was there. I told her I understood and I was prepared. My MIL and Uncle Don both died from brain tumors. There isn't much I haven't seen.

She was asleep when I went in. My cousin Donnie (her husband) was there and we talked a lot. When she finally did wake up, she was really groggy and told Don, "God, that looks just like cousin Sheri." "It is me, you crazy woman!!" I said. We both laughed. I was there over 4 hours. She is lucid at times and at other times, has no idea what is happening to her.

She was still able to eat on Saturday and asked her if she wanted me to get her some pierogi from Pierogi Fest. She giggled and said yes. And I told her I'd be back.

I went back yesterday, pierogi in hand, only to find she can't eat solids anymore. She is still lucid about 30% of the time, but is going downhill quickly. She might get to go home today. There is nothing more the hospital can do for her. Treatments would just make her sicker and the tumors will not shrink anymore.

She is going to die soon. And the only thing I can do is bring her mashed up pierogi.

Respect the Van

2008-07-26T22:12:00.003-05:00

Ahhhhh. Weekends. Life is good on weekends. Paul is home to help with da boys. Paul is home and WILLING to help with da boys. I get to do some serious retail therapy.

We only have one car now. Actually, it is a minivan. I gave up years ago, people. I love my minivan. We did the SUV thing for a couple of years, but needed that third row seat and didn't want to have to pay our annual salary to get it.

Having one car--ahem, minivan, makes it hard during the week. I have two choices. I can either stay home or I can take Paul to work and then pick him up. Since Paul has to be up and outta here at 2-3:30 am, option 2 will only happen when I absolutely NEED to be somewhere. So, Monday through Friday until 5 pm, I'm stuck.

Being stuck isn't such a bad thing all the time. Even if we did have that elusive second car, I wouldn't be doing much more than I do now in terms of going anywhere. We are within walking distance of 3 parks, the downtown area, and a little grocery store is two doors down. We don't live in da country.

Just imagine, if you will, being told by your doctor that you can't have, oh I dunno, lunchmeat anymore. You aren't a lunchmeat eater, maybe a sandwich a month or so, but now, you can't have it at all. What's the first thing you are going to want upon arriving home from the doctor's office???? I'm willing to bet it is a bologna sandwich with a salami chaser and a shot of honey ham and turkey. That's sortve what it is like for me. I don't really have to go anywhere during the day, and the van would sit in our driveway all day long, but you know, just having it there makes me feel better.

My biggest concern is when school starts. I'm gonna need something for going to PTC stuff and then there's the room mom meetings. I could walk I suppose, but in rain and cold weather???? Um, I don't think so. Fat girl wants her car-um, van.

We have been looking. Surprisingly, with gas prices going up up up, used minivan prices are NOT going down, down, down. And if it weren't for crap credit, we'd have no credit at all. So, the search for a 3-5 year old minivan with automatic seats and air is on. Hopefully, we won't have to sell a kid or a kidney to have one within the next 3 weeks.

Wish us luck.

Mother of the Year

2008-07-25T09:15:00.003-05:00

OK....when I was a total bitch to Matt last week, I felt like maybe Aunt Flo would be moving in for her monthly appearance soon. Yesterday was soon.

I am going to be one of those crazzzy bitches who complains about her period, but I'll stop, I promise. So if you can't handle it, go down a couple of paragraphs....really. Pinky promise.

TMI: I have awful periods. The carniage....I wear overnight pads because that is the only thing that can handle the stuff. And I cramp up like hell. Now, mix any kind of pain killer with that, and you get ultra carnage, so I try to suck it up and do without. Usually though, around day 3 and maybe 2 pairs of ruined underwear later, I give up and then all hell breaks loose.

I HAVE been to the doctor about this. They can do nothing. Even an increase in my synthroid doesn't do much. When I first started taking it, yeah, things got better--if you count better being 5 days a month wearing a diaper instead of 8. And my cramps went down to the "almost tolerable" instead of the "give me a spoon so I can scrape out my uterus myself" variety.

Hey, but I'm all about the fun right????

It is 9 am here. So far, I've emptied my dishwasher, made some coffee and feed my kids a vanilla shake for breakfast.

Yep. A. vanilla. shake. I've officially entered the I-don't-give-a-shit-anymore land. They thought they could ask for smoothies, and I don't have any of the stuff to make them now, so they happened upon the ice cream. Begging and pleading ensued and they won.

You can vote me in for mom of the year any time you choose.

I just want to state for the record that the other oh, 27 days of the month, I put a lot of effort into raising my kids and making sure they eat a combination of healthy foods--lots of fruits and veggies, milk, 100% juice. I cook a lot. I am not perfect, Friday's are pizza night. We eat McDonalds once a month. We do crafts, play outside. Read, run around and go to the park.

There will probably be none of that today. I have hit a brick fucking wall.

So, Internet, the mom of the year application will be on my fridge. Feel free to stop on by and fill it out. Just make sure to take one or both of the little kids with you when you leave--oh, and while you are here, you can borrow a dog or three too.

Have a nice day. I'm going back to bed.

Snippets of My Day

2008-07-24T23:08:00.002-05:00

Because my life is oh so interesting, I figured I would let you know how my day went in bullet point.......cuz I'm all about the fancy.

Got up at 6 ALONE....made coffee, unloaded the dishwasher.
Nate got up at 7. Was quiet and watched PBS kids shows.
Quinn didn't emerge until almost 9, probably because he woke up at 11 last night and decided he wanted to hang out with me. He fell asleep again at 12:30.
Gave the boys 3 choices for breakfast: blueberry pancakes, eggs or cereal. They chose cheese. I asked twice more and then gave up. It was cheese and fruit for breakfast, because I'm such a great mommy.
Bob shit in the basement. And Quinn stepped in it.
15 minutes later, Nate got the big d, and had problems getting all of it off his butt.
Nelson peed on the kitchen floor--in his defense, I knew he had to go out, and if he could have crossed his paws and performed the pee-pee dance he would have, then Nate had his butt issues and I got sidetracked, and oh well.....
Nate ended up wanting a bath.
Quinn wanted one too.
Answered e-mail, played with their Webkinz so Quinn could get the couch he wants.
Called mommy.
She's deaf.....she talked with my Auntie Jean. My cousin has 3 weeks--not 3 months.
Got boys out of tub. Cleaned the floor. Sent them to living room to take a break.
Nate falls asleep. Quinn sucks his thumb and falls over 10 minutes later.
Lunch was hot dogs, chips, carrot sticks and applesauce.
Milk guy delivered milk.
Bob shit in basement--again.
Outside for an hour and a half before Quinn tried to beat Nate with a wiffle ball bat because Nate called him a "booger."
Matt finally wakes up.
Matt takes out garbage and asks for 4 bucks.
I gave it to him and he left for places unknown.
Get dinner ready. Speghetti with meat sauce and garlic breadsticks.
Paul comes home.
Talk to Auntie Jean without interuption. She asks me to call my great Aunt Lou.
Call Aunt Lou and let her in on what's happening.
Cry.
Cry some more.
Talk to best friend, Mo. We talk almost everyday, but haven't seen each other in oh, 2 years. She lives 2 hours away in Indianapolis.
Join a coupon site.
Take IQ test--133--not bad for an airhead.

Write blog. So there you have it. My day in a nutshell. I'm going to bed now. My darling husband will be up at 3am. Have a great night.

This Just In

2008-07-24T08:11:00.001-05:00

From Nate (with a VERY serious look on his face):
"Mom the moon really isn't made out of cheese. It is made out of blue iron."

Thanks for the information, Nate. I'll make a note of that.

The Call

2008-07-23T21:15:00.003-05:00

My dad has two sisters and a brother.

My Uncle Danny died at the tender age of 26 from an infection that caused his brain to swell. There's a medical name for the condition, but I couldn't even come close to spelling it and I'm sure spellcheck would declare me insane, so I'm not going to bother now. Uncle Danny left behind his young bride and two children. I was born less than a month after he died.

Then there's Aunt Pat. She's a couple of years younger than my dad and older than Uncle Danny. Her second husband killed her. I won't get into the details now, but if you are interested, let me know. Aunt Pat was loud and crass. She talked like a truck driver. She was very crafty and thanks to that, I have some beautiful baby blankets, quilts and the like. But she had a way of stirring the pot, so to speak. She tended to talk behind your back, and it wasn't always nice. My mom always told me to watch out what I said around her. But from a kid's standpoint, she was the "fun" aunt. I still have the giant Barbie doll she got me in 4th grade. Good times.

Then there's my. favorite. aunt. ever--Auntie Jean. She was, is and always will be Auntie to me. She is only 11 months younger than my dad. Words won't do justice to how kind and sweet she is. As a kid, I appreciated Aunt Pat's humor and personality more. Auntie Jean was harder to get to know, so to speak. She is mild-mannered. Quiet. Kind. Gentle. Generous with her actions as well as with gifts. She gives from her heart. I didn't really understand that until I went away to college. She wrote to me--a lot. That meant the world to me. Her letters were funny and sweet and she always put stickers all over them. About every third letter, she'd send me a few bucks, but asked that I keep that a secret. She wasn't giving Azzwipe any money and didn't want my parents to be offended. I always wrote back.

My Auntie Jean married my Uncle Don in 1952. Theirs was a marriage to be envied. He opened doors for her and helped her put on her coat. They held hands. He called her "his sweetie." Uncle Don was also quiet and unassuming. Once, again, I didn't appreciate him until I got older. We would talk about sports and the like. He was a funny sweet man. I loved him very very much. I say loved, because two years ago this September, he died from a brain tumor.

My Auntie Jean and Uncle Don had two children--Donny and Kenny. My Aunt always told me she wanted more, but she never got pregnant again. Kenny died 2 days before his 21st birthday. He got in with the wrong crowd as a teenager, and had problems with drugs. I was 9 years old when he died. The only thing I remember about how he died was hearing he had drugs in his system and got punched in the face. He passed out and blood filled his lungs.

Donny was diagnosed with lung cancer last September. In December, his wife passed out, was taken to the ER and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The cancer has spread in both of them. Both have lived passed the time they were supposed to according to their doctors. They are 56 and 52.

Donny's wife was taken to the hospital yesterday. Things aren't good. The cancer is all over her body. Auntie Jean spent the night at the hospital yesterday.

About 10pm my mom called me to let me know. I hate phone calls after 9pm. Mostly because Paul has to get up at 2:30 am to go to work, and he needs his beauty rest, but also because any calls after 9 usually do not involve good news.

So, for now, we are all just waiting to hear anything. My mom said she talked to Auntie Jean but she was in the room with Donnie and didn't want to say anything else that would upset them further. But she did tell my mom things are going downhill and my cousin has been given less than 3 months.

I love and believe in God and Jesus. I just don't understand why things happen like they do.
Any words of wisdom there would be appreciated as well as prayers.

Thanks internet. I love ya.

How I'm Screwing Up My Children

2008-07-23T15:10:00.003-05:00

Project "Cleaning my house till it looks normal" is coming along just dandy. Thanks for asking.

I've rid our home of 29 industrial garbage bags worth of stuff we don't use or want anymore. Another 4 bags of paperwork that has been shredded, and 2 of just plain ol' garbage.

In the meantime, I'm allowing my two youngest to run around and do as they please. They do get their 3 meals a day, and 2 snacks, but other than that, they are on their own. Sure, I check in on them. I make sure they aren't trying to kill each other. But for at least 5 hours a day, I'm on a mission.

The kitchen is looking great. The only thing I have left to do there is to get rid of old and crappy cookbooks. I'm talking stuff I will NEVER cook. I've spied at least 15 books that are going straight to the recycle bin.

My next conquest??? The never-ending stack of toys Matt, Nate and Quinn have acculmulated over the past 18 years. The main thing to remember is that Matt really didn't play at all until he was 6 or 7ish. He had a ton of toys, but he used to empty his toy box and sit in it. I kept all his toys because they were in great shape and we wanted more kids. Then we got pregnant, and all hell broke loose. We lost our minds, and added to the huge amount of toys tenfold. They have way too much.

They not only have way too many toys, but none of it is organized so they could find what they would need. Parts of things are all over--cars with train parts, pretend food with race track, train track with Build-a-Bear clothing. I'm an adult and can't find anything, so how can I expect them to play properly and then put it away. There is no "put away." So they have learned over the years to just pull, pour and pile.

I think they are overwhelmed. I know I am.

Tonight is the night. If it is broken, it is gone. If it is too young for them, it is gone. If I can't figure out what it belongs to or what part it is, it is gone..... I don't have the time or energy to figure it out. And truthfully, they probably won't miss much of it. I know what they play with consistantly and what is loved. The rest can go.

Then I have to work with them about learning how not only to put things away, but how to put them where they belong. I've got my camera ready and various buckets, baskets and toy boxes. There will be pictures taken and everything will have a home. No home??? Then it is gone.

I know we aren't doing all kinds of art and craft projects, we only play outside about 2 hours a day (in spurts) and a lot of their time has been spent watching tv and doing their own thing unsupervised (I'm around and not too closeby, but not in the room.) But while, I might be screwing them up, I'm hoping in the end, I'm giving them a gift.

I don't want the two youngest to be raised in a house of squalor. Most of Matt's life, our house was tidy--Nate and Quinn deserve that too.

Where Did it All Go???

2008-07-20T23:01:00.002-05:00

He left. Went for a walk. Not that I can blame him. I've been a bitch. In fact, I've been feeling that strange out-of-control bitchiness that only comes one time a month. The foggy bitchiness that overtakes me and makes me hate the world. And it isn't his fault--all the time or completely.

These past three years have been hell. No money. No fun, and lots of fighting behind closed doors. Autism or not, Matt is NOT stupid. He gets it. And yet, he's a teenager, blessed with the social and graces of the young adult he is at times, other times, that of a oh, prepubiscent girl--15 minutes before her first period.

He is a lot like me. He can be patient about waiting if he knows at the end, things will be what he wants. But don't make him wait without knowledge of the road ahead. Because he will NOT handle that well.

Ninety percent of the time, Matt is a pretty good kid. He is polite (to other people), does as he is told (unless it is me or Paul) and behaves. That other 10% makes me wonder why people have children.

I'm on edge anyway, and then he has to say, while I have the absolute gall to rinse out his dishes, "I hate this ghetto house. Why can't I have a computer in my room???"

Part of me understands his frustration. After all, it isn't his fault Dad either couldn't get a job or keep said job. I know this happened right in the middle of his high school career, when having the right stuff is what matters.

We live in a middle to upper middle class town, where it sucks to be the poor kid. The teachers knew. I don't know how many of his friends knew how hard things were here, or if they just thought he didn't wear a lot of Ambercrombie stuff because he didn't care. Oh, they had to know. Because that was all he talked about.

He doesn't have his own computer, his own car, his own game whatever (Wii, Nintendo, X-Box). And now, he is looking forward to--nothing.

His job coach will be here to pick him up on Wednesday, and that's about it. All of his friends are going to college. Off to fun in far off places. To Matt, college is a place for fun and excitement. A social outlet of mega proportions--he doesn't see it as schooling.

He has a girlfriend. They talk and all, but she will be a senior next year. She'll have the social outlet, the fun, the parties and football games. Except she isn't the least bit interested in that stuff. It is what Matt lives for. Hopefully, she'll have him take her to these things.

But right now, after I so nicely told him that nothing much is stopping him from moving out, he is gone. He went for a walk. And I hope he is ok, because he still is my baby. Oh, and that thing where I love him.

Whip It Up Polynesian Chicken

2008-07-19T20:41:00.002-05:00

You'd think that a woman who has like 150 cookbooks could find something to cook right???
Wrong. This week I cleaned and cleared like a madwoman, and this madwoman fed her family a bunch of frozen processed crap this week.

Until Friday, when I knew my Whip it up recipe was due, and like I said, I had nuttin'. So, I found this box of Uncle Ben's converted rice and read the recipe on the back.....It looked easy enough. So, I now present--

Polynesian Chicken
as found on the Back of my Uncle Ben's rice box

4 chicken breasts
1 (8oz.) can of pineapple chunks and juice
1 cup apricot pineapple marmalade or jam
2 tbsp. soy sauce

Apply cooking spray (I used a bit of canola oil) to a large skillet. Add chicken breasts and cook for 3-4 minutes each side. Add juice from pineapple to chicken in skillet just before chicken in skillet just before chicken has finished cooking.

Mix pineapple chunks, marmalade and soy sauce. After pineapple juice has evaporated from skillet, add marmalade mixture to chicken. Cook until sauce is a glaze. Remove from heat and serve with rice.

Was it easy to make???
Yep. Very easy. Quinn helped me out with this one. He poured the pineapple juice in the pan.

Did my family like it???
Paul and Nate ate it right up. Quinn ate a bit of the chicken and then ate all the pineapple chunks on his plate. It was a little on the sweet side, but I thought it was pretty tasty.

Would I make it again???
Yes!!! Very easy to make.

Suggested sides--we ate carrots, cukes and grape tomatoes with dip, and I cooked up some frozen peas.

E-Bay Love and My Stoopid Mistake

2008-07-18T13:37:00.002-05:00

Disclaimer: Lots and lots of cursing to follow. If you continue to read and are easily offended. Too bad, you were warned.

Gosh dang it. Heck. Durned it.

Oh, hell, you guys can take it.......Shit on a stick.

I'm pissed. Why you ask???????????? Well....dammit. I screwed up....really.

I love e-bay. And e-bay loves me. As well it should, I've bought enough stuff from there. Seriously.

I love e-bay because they have a ton of stuff. And no matter what it is you need, it can be found on e-bay. For example, a couple of Christmases ago, my parents found a full set of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs music boxes. So pretty. And I loves me my Disney. So I was thrilled--thrilled enough to cry. The next year, while decorating for Christmas, Paul broke 3 of them. To say I was pissed would be a momumental understatement. But then it hit me. E-bay. So, I looked them up and low and behold, there they were, I could buy each dwarf individually or buy the entire set. Such options. Paul was happy too---happy with the knowledge that his dick was going to remain intact.

So, a few weeks ago, I got Quinn a really cute lunch pack with Spiderman on it. It was embroidered with Quinn's name. The thing originally came from Pottery Barn for $27 including the personalization. I got it for under $10. What can I say, I loves me a deal. I went on again yesterday looking through the Pottery Barn kids stuff, hoping to find the bookbags I wanted for the boys, and praying for a deal. Lo and behold, there's the backpack with Nate's name on it. This shit never happens to me, or at least it doesn't happen consistently. So I watched it, ready to pounce. I calculated the shipping and how much the name would cost, and knew anything less would be a deal, and waited.

And waited, and refreshed the computer, and waited. I was going to get this dammit. It was mine. Then I got bored. I figured I would dust off the computer. So the monitor got sprayed down and cleaned and the tower thingie, and then you know the keyboard could use a wipe off.....

I went to refresh and then I heard the music....you know the notes that indicate your computer was shutting down. And then nothing. Two minutes left and the damned thing shut down. Fuck. Shit. Dammit. Sorry.

So, I turned back on and waited. I probably should mention now that I got this POS from e-bay for under $200. A deal yeah, but the deal is--it is slow. So, it is coming back and of course, I keep on getting the "your stuff needs to reboot because you screwed up and didn't close down right" message, and I'm calling the computer a bitch and a motherfucker and so on. Meanwhile, my kids are standing there and looking at me like I've lost my mind---because you know, I have at this point. (I've never seen them so still and quiet. I'm sure they were taking mental notes about how they were going to use the words bitch and motherfucker in a sentence on the first day of school).

I finally got back to e-bay and my originally priced at $42 sold for $13.50.

I am taking this as a sign from God. I should stop cleaning.

Thank God I'm Adopted

2008-07-17T19:42:00.003-05:00

Remember when you were a kid and someone in your family decided to play the "you're adopted" trick on you??

Well, I don't. But then again, I'm adopted. I've known since I was almost 5 years old. And today is one of the days I'm glad I'm not genetically linked to my family.

As I said earlier, today is my mother's birthday. She called and told me that we could come over after Paul came home from work. She also mentioned that Azzwipe and his "girlfriend" were going to have to leave by 5 pm to return to their house, and they would just cut the cake early and whenever we got there, we could eat, and then we would sing and have cake. Sounded good to me, since I don't even like Azzwipe and his "girlfriend".

Well, we got there about 5:10 and Azz and "girlfriend" were still there. Paul and I were disappointed but it was my mom's birthday, and Azzwipe is still her son so we figured we'd make the most of it.

About 10 minutes after we got there, Nate went by my brother's garage (my parents bought the house next door for him). He (Nate) picked up a hose and squirted my brother and some other stuff in the garage that didn't need to get wet. Azzwipe was livid. He came out of the garage screaming, "Control your fucking kid." at the top of his lungs.

OK, I get it. I can say that I would be pissed too. We told Nate he was not to go back there, and that what he did was wrong, told him where he could go and Paul and I thought that was it.

Fast forward 10 minutes. Azzwipe is done with his garage shit and comes out of the garage and turns the hose on Nate. Not just a little squirt, he was soaked. Dripping wet. Paul told him to stop, that we had taken care of things and to leave Nate alone. Azzwipe then told Paul that he would "kick his ass".

I was in the house getting the boys some water. So I missed it. I came out of the house and my dad told me to "Go get Paul. Bryan and he got into it." When I was told about the "ass kicking" I told my mom goodbye and left.

Azzwipe has anger management issues and this time went way too far. And in front of my kids no less.

I am not the mother who believes their children are sweet innocent little angels. Nate had no business squirting anything with a hose, but Azzwipe had no business squirting him with the hose and then threatening Paul.

My mom understands my point. I think my dad does too. He is dropping some cake by in a few minutes.

Thank God I'm not genetically linked to Azzwipe.

My Mom's Birthday

2008-07-17T14:35:00.003-05:00

Today my mommy turns 74.

That just doesn't seem possible. I remember her turning 40 and thinking, "Jeez, she's old."

She celebrated thus far, by having a garage sale. Which is on the verge of insanity in my opinion, because it is like 90 degrees here, she can hardly walk, she has heart and lung issues, and well, it's her birthday.

The relationship with my mom is okay. Not great. Not bad--just okay. Not the warm fuzzy relationship I would like to have....no wedding dress shopping, no wedding planning, no mom/daughter lunches, no hospital visits after having my babies, none of that.

I think she loves my kids, she just doesn't like them much.

It is my ever-so-humble opinion that she figures she's done her time. Her first two children died. The first, Bruce, died of staph infections and e-coli after successful fontenel surgery. He was only 1 year, 1 month and 11 days old. He died on Christmas day. My other brother, Jeffery died at the tender age of two. He was hydrocephalic. His doctors actually thought he would make it and even did surgery to break down his skull so his head would be more normal shaped. He died on January 7--three years after Bruce died. My younger brother, Azzwipe, you know, the waste of time and energy, sucked all the life out of her. He had four kids and she's raised them all. And she really didn't want to. Those kids really worked her over.

I really don't think our relationship or lack thereof bothers her as much as it bothers me. And for years, I thought I did something to make her not like me. You know, as an officer of the Ass Kissers Club, I was a pleaser and over-all ass kisser. I can either accept that this is what it is, or I can be miserable and continue to kiss her ass--only to feel like I'm STILL not doing enough. I finally came to the conclusion it isn't me--it is her.

So, when Paul comes home from work, we will be going over to my parent's house for dinner, cake and ice cream. When I ask her if I can take her to lunch this weekend for part of her birthday present, I'll stop asking after being told no. And I'll just give her the gift card I got her last week and smile.

And know that it is her loss.

Stuff I've Said Before-But Will Say Again

2008-07-16T23:33:00.003-05:00

I've mentioned that I had a blog elsewhere. It was going to cost me to keep it up. Like actual money, and so I figured I would just move. I doubt anyone was really keeping up anyway.

Well, I'm going to do some repeating, just because I can. If you have read about the lottery house, my family and anything else from the old site, just skip on by. If not, well, it is all new to you.

Potty Training or Lack Thereof

2008-07-16T04:07:00.003-05:00

Well, it is right after 4 am, and I'm posting instead of sleeping. Why??? I really dunno.

Actually, I sortve do know. I wake up every morning at 3 am--why??? That part, I dunno.

This morning involved me falling asleep probably minutes after watching a twin birth thing on Discovery Health Channel. I had just finished a small bowl of rice pudding (because eating at 11pm is sooo good for ya when you are trying to lose weight). I fell asleep sitting upright on the couch, holding said bowl and then I heard a thump. The thump was the bowl hitting the floor. It survived.

I got up in time to see Paul off for work. Oh, and make him lunch. Because that's just how we roll here. Good times.

Sooooo, I'm guessing Quinn will be going on his first date in a pull up. Potty. training. not. working. Yeah, I know he is four freaking years old. It isn't from our lack of trying. We have a sticker system, use M& Ms, praise him often, ask him if he has to go often, and then there's that trip to Disney World we promised. Yeah, we are that desperate. Now, he isn't completely un-potty trained (is that a word, now it is), he will humor us about 60 percent of the time and pee in the potty. You know, throwing mom and dad a bone every now and then. But he absolutely, positively will NOT poop on the potty. And I'm sorry, but he isn't getting out of the Pull Ups until he does, because underwear is expensive and I'm not gonna have yet another load of laundry and ewwwwwww, that's just gross. It isn't fear or not getting it, he just isn't interested. What do you do when a kid isn't interested???? I mean, he's four freaking years old. But I guess I've mentioned that already.

All of my boys have been late trainers. Matt was 4 1/2 years old when he finally did it. But he had issues that were more pressing--he enjoyed running in the street and didn't speak. But he finally went, and never looked back. Nate didn't start until he was 50 months old. One day, he pooped on the potty and he got it. Like a light bulb went off in his head. He was done.....trained in like 10 minutes.

Back off, you might be thinking. But I seriously don't even try to pressure him. Really. Well, except for dangling that Disney World trip in front of him. And he knows, and that drives me nuts. He has two brothers and a dad, all who pee and poop in the potty. And I'm trained too. He tells me when he poops or pees in his pants and wants to be changed. He has big boy pants and has worn them. We have videos, DVDs, books......help.

Internet people.....if any of you are reading this, what did you do????? I'm desperate.

I Am So Easily Amused

2008-07-14T21:28:00.002-05:00

Stop the presses. Write down the date. I actually accomplished something today. Really. I did.

Today was hot here. And tomorrow is supposed to be too. So, if this is a sign of things to come, things are lookin' up.

I've mentioned the state of my house. I don't want to be a slob, and believe me, this could be a really cute house. If you look beyond the clutter and crap piled up to the ceilings.....Trust me on this. I swear if I didn't think you'd call the authorities on me, I'd post pictures.

Anywhoo, the weather was hot, the boys were outside for about an hour and they wanted to come in. They were done. It didn't matter if the pool was out. It didn't matter if the sandbox was full. They were tired and thirsty and done. God bless America!!!!

They didn't want to nap. They just wanted to play quietly and actually GET ALONG. And they wanted to be inside, in the air conditioned house.

This is of major historical significance for me. They are usually always loud and are either breaking something or trying to kill each other. I know they love each other, but they fight a lot. Sure, you can tell me it is normal, but I don't care. It drives me nuts.

Well, I've grown tired of moving crap around to clean-of not knowing what we actually have and then buying another whatever because I didn't think we had one, or not being able to actually find it.

I hit a wall yesterday. I need to get rid of stuff. Now. I'm a packrat of sorts. I keep stuff because it means something to me, and I decided to stop. The whole FlyLady thing has helped a ton, but yesterday was it. Stick me with a fork, I'm done. Done with all the toys, done with trying to give away 2T clothes. Done with keeping toys that haven't seen the light of day for over a year. Done.

I got rid of a ton of stuff today. And when I say got rid of, I mean, I threw the shit out. In the garbage. Sure, I would love to donate it or make some money by having a garage sale, but that would mean that I would have to keep it somewhere before finding the time to donate or sell it, and right now, I need it out of here. Gone. And gone it is. Seven industrial strength garbage bags worth.....and that's only my bedroom and part of the kitchen. And those two rooms aren't even done yet.

Somehow though, I feel better. Like I'm actually doing something about making our life as a family better. I'm moving around and providing the peace and serenity of a organized nest for my children and husband. Call me old-fashioned if you will, but that is my job. Sure, Paul is involved in this process too, but he works 10-14 hours a day, so most of this is falling on my shoulders. And that's ok. I have to step up and as Larry the Cable Guy says, I need to "Get er done."

I'm all about living in reality. I have little kids. My house will never be perfect, but anything is better than what it is now.

I know it isn't the most interesting thing to most people, but it is my life, and hopefully, my family and I are looking to better things to come.

Down on the Farm

2008-07-12T20:40:00.005-05:00

Quinn is on the left, Nate on the right.

Since Paul has gotten a new job (yay!!!!), we are looking at having a little more green in our pockets. That being said, we are also looking forward to doing things to our unorganized and cluttered house. But every family needs to have fun, and we plan on really getting down and dirty with the house one day on the weekend and the other day will be Family Fun day.

I would like to say, we invite Matt to go on all family outings, but he usually wants to do something else, say, be alone on the computer, or perhaps talk to his friends or maybe, like today, he went to see his girlfriend and took her to the local DQ for a sundae. How's that for a run on sentence.....

Today was Family Fun day. We went to Fair Oaks Farm. It is a dairy farm about an hour away from our house. We watched a calf being born--lots of questions there. What's a uterus??? Why is she bleeding??? Does it hurt???

I answered the best I could and hoped they would understand, but it is amazing to watch. The calves weighed in from 80-100 lbs. Yowsa!!!!

We also got to see the cows being milked. The boys got to drive mini tractors, ride on a moo train and try the dairy's milk. We also had ice cream, grilled cheese sandwiches and quesadillas. Oh my gosh, they were awesome!!!! Lots of cheese. Gotta love that.

Although the ride home was hell. They were both in the dreaded AM (*sshole mode for those of you who haven't been reading up until now). They were throwing things in the back seat and fighting, none of which are good while Paul is driving 70 mph down an interstate. We had to make a detour to my beloved Target (3rd time this week--I really need to make a list or something) to buy wipes. We came home and Quinn went right to bed.

Nate is still up hanging with Dad, watching Jurassic Park--yeah, I know, nightmares, right??? Probably not, there's not much that scares him. Matt saw it at about the same age and he just laughed. I don't think the autistic parts of them allows them to completely understand, or perhaps they get that it is just a movie. I dunno. I remember seeing it in the theater and being scared to leave.

Well, I'm outta here for tonight. Have a great rest of the weekend.

Whip it up Chicken in Creamy Pan Sauce

2008-07-12T19:55:00.002-05:00

I started reading blogs about 2 years ago. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I've been reading Kim's blog for a couple of months and she was talking about doing the Whip it Up challenge. So I jumped in too. Figuring I could maybe snag a couple of extra people who might actually read this blog, and try out some new food on the family, you know, because I have to......

So here it is. Straight out of my Kraft Food and Family magazine (hey it is free) Fall 2007 edition. I'm guessing they have the recipe on their website.

Chicken in Creamy Pan Sauce

4 small boneless skinless chicken breast halves (about 1 pound)
2 tbsp. flour
1 tbsp. oil
3/4 cup chicken broth
4 oz. Philadelphia Cream Cheese, cubed
1 tbsp. chopped fresh parsley ( I used Italian flatleaf parsley)
5 cherry tomatoes, quartered

1. Place the chicken and flour (I added salt and pepper) inside a resealable plastic bag. Seal bag and shake. Set aside.
2. Heat oil in large skillet on medium heat. Add the chicken and cook 5-6 minutes on each side or until it is cooked through. Remove chicken, reserving drippings in skillet. Cover chicken to keep warm.
3. Add broth to the skillet. Stir and scrape up all the browned bits from the bottom of the skillet.
4. Add the cream cheese. Cook 2-3 minutes or until cream cheese is melted and the sauce starts to thicken, stirring constantly with a wire whisk.
5. Return chicken to skillet: turn over to coat both sides with the creamy sauce. Cook 2 minutes or until chicken is heated through.
6. Transfer chicken to a serving platter. Sprinkle with parsley and the cherry tomatoes and drizzle with sauce.

Was the recipe easy to follow???
Very easy to follow. We buy chicken breasts all the time. The ingredients are ones we have around the house too.

Did the dish taste good???
Yes. The boys loved it. But who wouldn't like chicken in a creamy cheese sauce?

Will I make this again???
YES!!!!! It was easy, had ingredients that aren't too exotic or wierd and my kids ate it up. The only change I would make would be to double the sauce and pour it over pasta. Yum!!!!

Our side dishes (only a suggestion): We had angel hair pasta with a little bit of extra virgin olive oil and salt and pepper, green beans and salad with italian dressing.

I'll try to post pictures for next weeks recipe. Matt has to show me how--yeah, I'm THAT pathetic.

100 Things About me

2008-07-10T23:49:00.002-05:00

Ok....I have read other people's blogs and they have these 100 lists.....I tried to put mine elsewhere, but I went over my 500 character limit. I spent some time on this, so here it is.

1. I share a birthday with George Harrison (Feb. 25)
2. I turned 40 this year. (2008)
3. I attended Ball State University (alma mater of David Letterman, Jim Davis--the guy who created Garfield, and Joyce DeWitt--Janet of Threes Company.
4. Matt's birth father, Bud, was my first love and really broke my heart when he left me.
5. I got over him and know we are better off without him.
6. I met Paul on a dare to place a personal ad.
7. Our second date, we figured out we had actually met when I was pregnant with Matthew and he was engaged to someone else.
8. I knew from the second week we were dating that he was the one.
9. We were married two years before we found out he was sterile.
10. I went a little nuts for awhile and tortured myself by going to Babies R Us and looking at baby stuff.
11. We went through fertility testing and 2 unsuccessful IUIs before getting pregnant with Nate.
12. Nate was a twin. I lost that baby at 7 weeks.
13. I was so grateful for one baby making it, I didn't mourn the twin until I was in labor and I had to have 2 sacs broken.
14. Quinn is my mini me.
15. He was only 3 weeks early but almost died because his lungs weren't mature yet.
16. I didn't handle the entire baby in the nicu well. I woke up screaming after 90 minutes of sleep.
17. Paul was afraid for me at that time, he called the doctor daily to ask what he should do.
18. Matt is autistic and was not expected to speak, read, do math, or socialize.
19. He graduated in June 2008, received 6 varsity letters, made the honor roll, and has a girlfriend.
20. Nate has aspergers
.21. Nate is one smart cookie and is harder to work with than Matt.
22. I worry about Quinn and watch for signs all the time.
23. I also worry about worrying too much about Quinn, I don't want to make too much out of nothing.
24. I have always wanted to be a SAHM.2
5. My house is a mess and that drives me nuts.
26. I have tried doing FlyLady and love her, but I need to declutter.
27. I hate doing laundry.
28. I love grocery shopping.
29. I wish I had just a little me time to scrapbook and cross stitch.
30. I have fought depression for years, sometimes with medication, and sometimes not.
31. Paul had a bad 3 years on the job scene, so no insurance, so no medication, I've been on my own.
32. He just went back to work and finally has a good job.
33. I hope this one works out cuz I make a crappy poor person.
34. My favorite color is red.
35. I love Nancy Grace's hair.
36. Most people don't know who Nancy Grace is so they can't imagine her hair.
37. I used to be very into fashion and accessories.
38. Being poor and overweight can sure put a crimp in clothing choices, so I gave up.
39. Before getting pregnant with Nate, I lost almost 90 lbs.
40. I've gained part of it back.
41. I want to lose the weight again.
42. My blog name comes from a college buddy who drove up to a McDonald's drive up and said, "I'd like world peace and a cheeseburger please." It was funny at the time.
43. We have 4 dogs now, but have owned 4 other dogs.
44. Our jack russell terrier, Merit, died 3 years ago.
45. We adopted her niece, Snapshot, shortly afterwards.
46. Snap was pregnant at the time and our breeder didn't know it.
47. I don't know nothing about birthing puppies.
48. Starr was a still birth.
49. Luckie died two days later--Snap layed on him and smothered him.
50. Snap got cancer and died less than a year later.
51. Paul still cannot look at jack russell terriers without tearing up.
52. I tear up too.
53. Our chocolate lab, Clara, died recently too. We miss her.
54. I am adopted.
55. My parents had two children who died before I was born and my mom was advised to have children by one doctor and not to by another--so they adopted me.
56. The following year, in June, she had my brother, Azzwipe.
57. My brother is just a waste of space.
58. He has 4 kids, all of them raised by my parents.
59. He is one selfish bastard.
60. Dad likes him best and treats him like a God.
61. That drives me nuts.
62. I'm an ass kisser and want to make people happy.
63. My parents didn't show up for Matt's graduation party. They wanted to go to an auction.
64. I haven't forgiven them.
65. Paul's parents died before I got pregnant with Nate.
66. I really miss them a lot.
67. I love all things Disney.
68. The only vacations we have been on as a family have been to Disney World.
69. We are Notre Dame fans.
70. Quinn is named after Brady Quinn...my idea.
71. I went to Vegas with my friend, Mo, and would really really love to go back.
72. I can't wait for school to start.
73. I have a "lottery house" in town-a house that I would buy if we ever won the lottery. It is still for sale and I drive by all the time to look at it.
74. I love reading organization and decorating magazines.
75. If this job works out for Paul, I'll be doing less reading and more buying to get things done around here.
76. My favorite dish is fresh mozzerella and tomato salad.
77. I love cooking.
78. I have way too many cookbooks.
79. I still have 3 of my favorite stuffed animals from way back when I was little: Mr. Fish, Brown Teddy, and Go Go (some wierd clown thing).
80. I will never get rid of those stuffed animals either.
81. I am anal about the organization of my pantry.
82. This drives Paul nuts.
83. I'm a closet Wiggles fan. Anybody who can make both of my boys that happy is wonderful in my eyes.
84. I love Wierd Al. Matt loves him too.
85. Paul looks kinda like Drew Carey, and I think he's sexy.
86. I really can't think of a star that is still alive that I actually like
.87. I'm crazy about Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart, and John Wayne. They make me swoon.
88. I love the Beatles and Elvis.
89. I also listen to Kanye West and Usher.
90. I have enough scrapbooking stuff that if I died at 95 and spent 7 hours a day scrapbooking, I'd still leave stuff behind for my kids.
91. The same goes for cross stitching.
92. I hate being stuck at home all day with the kids..we only have one car.
93. Politicly, I lean more to the conservative side.
94. I love both John McCain and Barack Obama personality wise.
95. I am full of useless knowledge. I rock at trivia games.
96. I'm running out of stuff to tell you about me.
97. I need more Clinique foundation.
98. Quinn lost my charm bracelet yesterday. He is so lucky I love him.
99. I love going to Borders, getting a stack of books and magazines and reading.
100. I have some serious love for Target

Boys Just Wanna Have Fun and Watch Mommy Have a Breakdown

2008-07-10T13:10:00.003-05:00

Disclaimer: I'm gonna bitch and moan--a lot. If listening to someone go on and on about whatever, sounding like she needs medication, a drink or both bothers you, feel free to go here or maybe here. I'll still be bitching when you come back.

I would like to think I'm a fairly happy person. I mean, I realize I have some depression issues, and I've run out of synthroid which doesn't help. But all in all, I've managed to deal with whatever life has thrown my way. I've dealt with adoption issues, infertility, my children's autism and the issues that go along with that, and the fact that my parents and brother have so many asshole type tendencies and issues I couldn't even begin to discuss them here. I've pretty well weathered the storms of life, knowing full well that I have also been blessed, and somewhere out there is someone who is far worse off than I.

That said, I am really overwhelmed with the whole motherhood thing. And dare I say it out loud, I'm starting to really dislike being a mom. Not that I don't love my kids. I do. But I don't like this whole phase they are in and what is happening to me while I'm experiencing it with them.

The sad thing, because my whole dissatisfaction issue is all about Nate and Quinn and their behavior is--I knew what I was getting into. Sortve. I mean, I went through all of the joys of testing and treatment of infertility. I had IUI's. Doctors put things in my lady parts that no one should ever have to worry about. Ever have an endometrial biopsy???? They hurt like hell. I think I'd rather give natural childbirth 3 times a week than have just one of those things again.

There are women who would do anything to be where I am now. I know that too. A friend of mine lost triplets at 23 weeks. She hasn't been able to get pregnant since. So, while I know in my heart I am grateful and thankful, my mind is not liking the place where I am now in regards to motherhood.

Maybe my expectations were and are still too high. Maybe I just suck at the one thing it is vitally important for me to do well. Maybe.

I just know that whatever I am doing right now is NOT working. And I've tried just about everything. I've done time outs, a not-very-hard swat on the bottom, being nice, being mean, yelling, whispering, rewards, taking stuff away, and right now, I'm reaching the breaking point. My children just don't listen. To me. To Paul. To anyone. And it is breaking my heart. If I, their mom, can't stand it anymore, what are people who don't know them going to think about them??? Should I keep them inside and not let them out???? Or do I go out and wonder why I even bothered????

Any assvice??? Is there something that worked for your kids???

One More Minute

2008-07-08T10:15:00.004-05:00

Paul and I had fertility problems. Matt and Nate are almost 13 years apart. While we are thrilled to have our other two little guys, it is difficult to plan family stuff because of the age difference between Matt and Nate and Quinn. The Wiggles--too babyish for Matt. Shopping in downtown Chicago--great for Matt, not so great for his brothers. And with Matt being 18 and all, he's not exactly standing in line to do anything with us anyway. He'd rather be on the computer or do stuff with friends or alone. So, when I found out Matt loved Wierd Al's song, "White and Nerdy" I jumped on it.

Back in the day, I was a huge Wierd Al fan. I still am in fact, so I got out some of my old cds and gave them to Matt. He got it. And he became a fan too. Last September, we saw Al in concert and had a blast. And we went again when he was in Merrillville on Saturday.

Wierd Al's show is loud and funny. He has fans in almost every age group. I was surprised, however, at the number of senior citizens in the audience. God love em, but they just don't impress me as Wierd Al fans. I mean, the whole idea is that Al takes popular songs and changes the words. If you don't know the original song, how do you get the whole idea. How many 80 year-olds do you know who would even know who Nirvana or Coolio is??? We sat next to two lovely older women and figured it why so many seasoned citizens were there. They have season tickets and had no idea who Wierd Al is. The two women sitting next to us were gone by the 3rd song.

Afterwards, we went out by Al's bus hoping to get an autograph. We talked to several people who told us that Al usually signs autographs and talks to fans after the show. So, we waited and waited and waited and waited. One am.......no Al. We gave up. But we did find out he will be in Rockford in August. Hope springs eternal. Maybe then.

Boom Bang Bombs

2008-07-05T11:53:00.006-05:00

Well, the 4th is history. We had a pretty good one. The evening included the fireworks extravaganza in the middle of our block.

Everyone meets on their own side of the street at the house in the middle of the block. They bring their stash of fireworks and take turns lighting them in the middle of the street. The kids love it and everyone gets to enjoy the show.

Paul and Matt went back out to buy some bottle rockets and the like. They came back with the little stuff I requested and some stuff I told them not to buy. Like, quarter.sticks.of.dynomite.

Yes, you read right. My husband went to the legal fireworks spot and got some stuff from behind the counter. It almost sounds dirty to me. And probably most other people too.

Anywhoooo, we met on our side and the neighbors on the other side met. I must say, it was a pretty good show. The people on the other side of the street had more sparkley in the air type of fireworks. Big boxes of stuff that lasted quite a while. We had more noise. Apparently, Paul was not the only person who found quarter sticks. Car alarms were set off. Houses shook. Street lights turned off momentarily. And the best part--kids giggled and laughed. It was fun.

Afterwards, we went in and gave the boys their baths. Their regular bedtime is at 8:00. It was 11:15 before lights out last night.

Today we are going to hit the local park for the carnival rides and lunch.

Hope you had a great holiday too.

Holiday Fun

2008-07-04T18:25:00.002-05:00

Well, we've stopped long enough to give the younger boys a break. They are in the living room watching some patriotic flick with dad. After they rest for a bit, we will go out again and watch our neighbors loose their minds with all the illegal crap they can light up.

Last night, our town had it's annual Twillight Parade. AKA fire truck hell. It seemed like every freaking town in our area took its entire fleet of fire equipment and paraded it down one of our main streets--blaring their sirens the entire route.

Quinn didn't go. He was tired and cranky and well, he has no concept of staying out of the street. Nate loved the parade. Lots of cheap candy and all the neighbor kids commenting on how cool his new style looked. (Cousin who does hair gave him highlights after highlighting my hair earlier in the day.)

The parade was done by 9ish and we picked up our chairs and walked the entire 3 houses down our street and waited for firework hell to break loose. It did--until 2 am. I don't know what brings out the pyros in our town, but they all are out from the end of June until July 5. Perhaps it is the fact that the police turn a blind eye to their activities. Ya think????

Not that we are in any way immune to this. Paul came home empty handed from the local illegal fireworks guy, because he (the fireworks guy, not Paul) had been busted by the police. My brother, Azzwipe, looked at him, laughed and said, "Go back at 6. He should be out by then."

Matt and Paul are going to go get some legal stuff to wake the dead tonight. I'll let you know if any limbs go missing.

The Great Abyss

2008-07-03T08:04:00.003-05:00

We live in a smallish house built in 1937. It is a really cute house: approximately 1100 square feet upstairs with a 930ish square foot basement. I know, I know, you aren't supposed to even count the basement as livable square footage, but I don't care. If it can be lived in, I'm counting it.

We bought this house in 1996. I feel in love with it the moment I walked in. We had been looking at houses off and on since we married, and hadn't found anything we could afford or like. Finally, with my parent's help, we were going to be able to realize our dream of home ownership.

We have poured a ton of money into this house. Had we taken the money and applied it to the morgage, we could have paid the damned thing off. In the 12 years we have lived here, we have:

Put a new roof on.
All new pumbing
Installed new exterior and interior doors and trim
Gutted and remodeled the kitchen
Gutted and remodeled the lone bathroom
Gutted remodeled and insulated the small den/nursery
Reconfigured the driveway
Installed a new garage door (too small to be used as a garage so we just store stuff in it)
Put in a 5 feet tall wood fence
Installed new shutters
Rebuilt the front porch
Installed new gutters soffit and facia
And God knows what else I can't remember

A lot of what we did is considered basic maintenance, I know. Eventually, the roof needs to be replaced, the furnace goes out etc. But when I add up what we have done, I really get sticker-shock.

The sad thing--we aren't done. We have to re-do the great abyss aka the basement. When we moved in back in the day--the basement was finished. It wasn't pretty, but we could hang out there. Imagine gray and white wood-grain look paneling and brown stick on tiles. Preettty. We used the basement a lot the first few years we lived here. As time went on, however, it became our dumping ground. And then we had some water issues. Paul didn't realize that the gutters needed to be cleaned or we'd get water. And then we had some plumbing issues which caused water damage on the drop ceiling. Eventually, the floor tiles started peeling up in places, the paneling got icky, and well, the great abyss became our dumping ground.

The basement as we once knew it ceased to exist in 2002. We inherited some money after Paul's dad died, and we decided to fix all that was really going wrong with our house. Most of the upstairs was under some sort of construction for 9 months. And we needed a place to put all the stuff from the upstairs. It went downstairs. (on a side note, we had a bad contractor have had to redo/replace a lot of his stuff, but that's another post). So, the downstairs became the great abyss. Stuff that we can't find a place for goes there. It is full of Matt's old toys, furniture we don't want, need or will ever use again, and holiday decorations.

This wouldn't be a problem if this house were bigger and had another 2 bedrooms, but we need more room. And we have almost another house worth of square footage in our basement. We need to use it.

We have been cleaning up the great abyss for about 2 months now and hopefully, by the end of the summer, it will be the blank slate we need so that we can get it done. Matt wants his own space downstairs and there will be a toy area, a craft area, our laundry room/kitchenette and a family room. The finishes aren't going to be expensive: primed paneling which will be painted, and painted floors, the drop ceiling will be all new and pretty, and we are using recessed lighting. The basement will be done in a Disney theme--except for Matt's room, he wants Cubs/Notre Dame/running.

We probably could have had this done years ago, but since the remodel of '02, I've been dreading the whole contractor running through my house and my hatred and distain of contractors is well known throughout the neighborhood. My nephew is planning on doing a lot of the work and we will help as needed.

As the work progresses, I'll post pictures. Wish us luck

I Loves Me Some Target

2008-07-02T23:07:00.002-05:00

Target, Tarjay, whatever. I have some serious love for Target. It is my favorite store of.all.time. Except for maybe the Disney Store or Pottery Barn Kids (like I could actually afford anything from there). I love their kids clothes, shoes and the toy department. I buy all my cleaning supplies from there, and their scrapbooking section isn't too shabby either.

I really need to get a life because tonight is the THIRD night in a row I've been to Target. I'm thinking they need to pay me or something. Last night, I got a few cheapie toys for the boys (bubbles, squirt guns, sidewalk chalk) and some cleaning stuff. Tonight was my new-underwear-for-Paul-and-Matt run. I also ended up getting some dryer sheets and a Real Simple magazine. Don't even ask me what I got the night before last, because I don't remember--it had to be cleaning stuff because obviously, I have no clue and who cares about cleaning anywhooo......

I have friends who work at Target. It seems like half of Nate's school works there, and a friend of mine since high school. I wouldn't mind a little part time gig at Target, except for the fact that I'd end up owing them money, and that just sucks. Or I'd screw up and get fired for doing something stupid and then I couldn't show my face there again, and I might as well kill myself if that would happen. Cuz you know life ain't worth livin without the Target.

Well, it is late, Matt's gonna want the computer back, and I've gotta go figure out why I don't have a life.

It is 7:44 and All's Quiet

2008-07-02T07:44:00.002-05:00

For the first time in months, the boys are still asleep. This is the new "late."

I really can't tell you what happened. They used to sleep sleep sleep. Now, that is the last thing on their mind. Maybe it is because it gets dark at almost 9 pm and first light is at 5am, perhaps it is a double growth spurt. Maybe our family is stuck in a hole in the time/space continuium.....or this is God's way of getting back at me for the not attending mass thing.
I dunno. I just know I hate this not sleeping thing.

Personally, I LOVE sleeping. LOVE IT. There's nothing better than a great night's sleep....unless it is a nap. Please please, someone tell me to take a nap. Go ahead. I'll take you up on it, I swear.

Matt still sleeps. But he is 18. It is part of his job. By the time he was 3, he was a good sleeper too. Although I remember the year and a half I had to sleep in front of his bedroom door so he wouldn't get up, leave his room and flood the bathrooms. Good times.

Nate was my wonder sleeper. This kid loved a nap as much as his good old mom. He slept for 4 hours at a time from the minute he got home. Eight hours at a time from 5 weeks. God love him. While he still needs some quiet time and takes an occasional nap, I've found myself trying to get him to go back to sleep at like 3 am. WTF!!!!!

Quinn was a former good sleeper too. While he was never as great at it as Nate, he slept through the night at 6 weeks. And while it wasn't 8 hours, I knew I could count on at least 6 hours of sleep a night. And at least one good nap--strangely enough, at the same time as Nate. Now, my sweet Quinn is 4 and he has decided sleeping is for babies, and dammit, he is a big kid. And he fights it. Which is not good.

You see, we have a problem with the not sleeping thing. When my kids get overtired, or they just plain fight going to sleep they go into the dreaded ASSHOLE MODE or AM as Paul and I like to call it. Plain and simple, they act like idiots. Tempers flare, fights happen, fits are thrown and parents wanna throw up their hands and wonder why they decided to have more kids in the first place. AM really really sucks. And both of them go there. Often. Or at least more often than they were about 6 months ago.

We are working on a new schedule, posted in the kitchen complete with pictures for our non-reader, Quinn. We know Nate has aspergers, and Quinn is displaying some classic symptoms too. He will be tested in a couple of months. Kids on the spectrum need structure. So I'll give them as much of it as I can. Hopefully, they will pay me back by giving me a few hours to sleep.

I've gotta go. Quinn has decided it is time to get up. And all hell is gonna break loose soon.

Nate the Great's Birthdate

2008-07-01T23:48:00.004-05:00

Dear Nate,

Today you turned six. Where did all the time go??? It seemed like just yesterday, Mommy was sitting around hoping and praying for a baby, and now here you are 6 YEARS OLD.

Let me tell you, son, you were one awesome baby. I will NEVER forget the first time I saw you. Daddy was so afraid to hold you. I think he was afraid you would break. You were beautiful--AND THE HAIR......Oh, Lordy, I will NEVER forget the HAIR. Son, you were born with a full head of the thickest, blackest hair I have EVER seen on a baby. EVER!!!! I looked at your daddy and said, "Good God, I think I just gave birth to Wayne Newton's baby." I know you don't understand who the heck Wayne Newton is now, but I'll tell you more about him one day.

I so enjoyed having you. You were really, the perfect baby. You slept well, you were a great eater, and I believe you loved me as much as I love you. Even though we were having our house remodeled by an idiot, you took it all in stride.

Even now, I look at you and am constantly amazed by how much you've grown. You are such a beautiful boy and even though you can get upset easier now, you still seem like a pretty happy kid most of the time. I love the way you hug me when you walk into a room. I love how you want to help with everything all the time.

Please continue to be you. Don't cave into the pressure of being someone you are not. I know kids gave you grief in kindergarten because you still love Thomas the Tank Engine and the Wiggles. Love them anyway. Try as hard as you can to be kind. Treat others like you want them to treat you.

Nate, you make my life complete. You make it worth living. You are a wonderful young man, and I hope you continue to be the best Nate you can be.

I love you forever and always with all my heart.

Mommy

Stuff About Me

2008-07-01T23:19:00.001-05:00

There isn't much to tell about me. At least the really interesting stuff. I'll try to make things short and sweet.

I married Paul in 1994 on his 30th birthday.
My son Matt was born in August 1989, Paul adopted him the year after we married.
We had Nathaniel July 2002.
Quinn was born April 2004
We are owned by 4 dogs: Bob--a 12 year-old rat terrier, Sadie--a 10 year-old lab/shephard mix, Nelson--a 9 year-old westie and something else, and Alice--a 5 month old God-knows-what pup.
Both of Paul's parents are dead, and I no longer talk to mine.
I'm a SAHM.
I love scrapbooking and cross stitching.
I don't ever seem to have enough time to do either.
Two of my three boys are "on the spectrum" (autism and aspergers)--Matt and Nate.
I am afraid that Quinn might be too.
I used to want 6 kids.
I'm about ready to lose my mind with 3.
I need to channel my inner June Cleaver and get my messy house clean.
I would love to spend a day completely alone.
I love all things related to Disney World.
Our family is Catholic.
I worry about money all the time.
Heck, I worry about everything all the time.

Do-over

2008-07-01T10:21:00.002-05:00

Hey!!!
Looks like you found me again. Or maybe for the first time. Whatever.

I've been wanting to blog for awhile. And I actually started a blog elsewhere, but I was going to have to pay for it. This one is free and I loves me a bargin!!!!

So here I am. All shiny and new.

I don't know if you will find anything I have to say interesting, I hope so.

I'd like to think I'm a fairly interesting person.

So read away.